Pregnant Post about Pregnancy

Lately in the media there's been this big comparison between Kim Kardashian and Kate Middleton. Let me state for the record that I know pretty much nothing about either of these two, except that George is a better name than North. I never really paid attention to the Kardashian sisters and I'm not even confident I know all of their names. I also don't follow royal tabloids because a) I do other important things with my life like binge watch entire seasons of tv shows and b) they don't have salacious scandals (like my tv shows).

What really pissed me off though was this whole pregnancy comparison, like a "Who wore their baby bump best" competition which I just find so strange. I get that they're setting themselves up for scrutiny because of the lifestyles they've chosen, but how on earth can a woman decide how she's going to gain weight and carry that weight while she's creating an actual sentient creature inside of her? I mean good lord, how much pressure are we putting on pregnant women to look good? Pregnancy involves acne breakouts, weight gain everywhere (not just a small perfectly rounded belly), swollen ankles, heart burn, nausea (and it's not just in the morning folks), and the list goes on. I'm just going off of what I've heard from women I know; I'm sure there's a ton of other horrifying things that take place when you're pregnant (as well as all that healthy glow stuff, which I've heard may actually just be sweat from a pregnancy hot flash).

8 1/2 months pregnant

I think we can probably agree that we'd rather look like Kate Middleton pregnant, but the reality is that's probably not going to happen. She has ONE body type, and if you're that body type too then I hate you (just kidding...maybe). But plenty of us aren't willowy and whatnot, and we're going to have to deal with all that crap. The media was harpooning Kim Kardashian (poor choice of words considering the photos comparing her to an orca...) because she got fat feet and somehow lost her hourglass figure while she grew a fetus for 9 months. Oh the shame. I think we need to clarify that there is a significant difference between being PREGNANT and being FAT.

4 1/2 months pregnant

There is no right way to be pregnant in terms of looks. You certainly can't diet because you're trying to give your baby the nutrition it needs to grow healthily (and I say baby because I'm assuming you want to see the pregnancy through, in which case I'd say it's okay to stop referring to it as a fetus). As long as you're doing what you need to do for your baby in terms of health and care, then you shouldn't have to worry about people looking at you and judging your pregnancy. It's just so frigging strange. Can't we just appreciate the fact that you're doing this crazy awesome thing and that it's absolutely beautiful no matter how your body reacts? We should be allowing women (the Kates and the Kims of the world) to just revel about the internal and not stress about the external (and also allow women to hate to death the fact that they're pregnant and have no control over their bodies, because from what I've heard no one goes through pregnancy just loving life 100% of the time).

Kim may be an idiot or whatever but I'm not sure how people can say that it's karma that she didn't have the world's most graceful pregnancy. Sure she shouldn't have worn high heels that made her feet look that ridiculous but there's no need for there to be pages on Google Image of these damn shoes. They're just feet. They have her in flip-flops, wedges, stilettos, kitten heels, etc. Does anyone actually care that much? Feet swell during pregnancy! Ankles swell during pregnancy! Sometimes the whole damn leg swells during pregnancy. Let's take a collective breath and get over it.

There's no baby in that belly

One final thing to say: baby bumps do not disappear upon birthing a baby. They stick around because your body is not freakish in its ability to shrink overnight. There was a lot of speculation after Kate Middleton came out of the hospital with George (for some reason I want to pronounce it Hor-hey) because she looked like she was still 6-7 months pregnant. Consider what your body goes through while it's growing that baby. Your organs become displaced and they take time to float back down to where they are when you're not playing hostess to a creature. Your uterus becomes the biggest muscle in your body and it's all stretched out and massive. It does shrink again but it can take a month or longer. You also have a lot more fluid and blood in your body during pregnancy, and that takes time to go down to normal levels too. The skin that stretched out around your baby and organs and uterus needs time to tighten back up. This does not happen overnight. Diet and exercise won't do much. It is not fat. It is your body gradually chilling back out after HAVING A BABY. It's not like anything else that a human experiences (or so I've heard, I've never had a baby...) and the body can't bounce back in a day or a week or even a month. Give yourself some time. Even duchesses don't emerge from the birthing suite looking like they were never pregnant. This is a good thing. If they did, it would mean something was seriously wrong (or she was never pregnant and it's all a hoax! YOU SIT ON A THRONE OF LIES!).

Go Prego! (If it is what you want and decide without pressure, shame or guilt!)

Brain or Breast?

I had a concert a few weeks ago (it went fabulously), and the director of the concert series was talking with us afterwards and, upon hearing that I run a leadership program for young women, told a story about his MALE friend (this is true).

His male friend was named Kim, not an ideal man name and he may or may not have been bullied as a child, but that's not relevant to this tale. He graduated as an engineer a decade or so ago and, as graduates are wont to do, sent out a bajillion resumes and cover letters. Now engineers are not the type to not get hired, because it's not like it's an arts degree folks. People love them some engineers. But Kim wasn't getting any calls back and he started to get legitimately concerned. He had decent grades, a good work term history, great recommendations, but he couldn't even snag an interview. So he called a few of the firms where he'd submitted his resume and they were very surprised indeed to learn that Kim was a man and not a woman. Kim changed the name on his resume from Kim Roberts (I made up that last name, it just sounds nice) to K. Roberts, and was offered 3 jobs within a 2 week span. He said that for a brief time, he glimpsed how difficult the world can be for the female Kims out there who had a great resume, but a vagina instead of a penis. This is just bullshit, and I hope all of you reading out there can agree with that. If not, I'd love to hear why. Shouldn't employees be looking at their own hiring criteria and not their prospective employee's genitalia? (I don't mean that literally, so you can stop imagining your junk being examined during an interview).

But I also feel like it goes both ways. There are a lot of companies and businesses and whatnot out there who are being proactive in the fight for equality. I'm all for hiring a woman if she has a better resume (this seems fairly obvious...). I even agree in some cases that hiring a woman over a man if they have equal qualifications and work experience is okay, seeings how our sex has been oppressed for millenniums here. But hiring a woman who is less qualified just so you can up your female column in your employee statistics doesn't seem fair to the penis-wielding sex. My fella is in engineering and has noticed that there are several female-specific scholarships for engineering students, but no male-specific. They don't have scholarships out there for single fathers, but single mother scholarships are in abundance. I have noticed that my female engineering friends have had no trouble finding their dream work placements or post-graduation jobs, but some of the guys have been struggling. Now, it could be that the women in engineering these days are just better than the men in every way but that doesn't seem to be the case (except for this one chick in my boyfriend's class who appears to be robot-like). There's just a movement towards having women on-staff, to prove your company isn't sexist. It's like in teen movies, when there's the "token black guy" (I'm pretty sure Scary Movie called them out on this), well now there's the token lady staffer (sounds sexual) (it's not).

My concern is what happens once you're hired on. Were you really hired for your brain or for your breasts? And I don't mean for the male employees to ogle them, though I'm sure that happens too. My mom, who has led a career in male-dominated areas, has told me about times where she has run into sexism. It hasn't been upfront and bold, because people these days know they couldn't get away with saying "sit down sugar-tits". My mother has described it as being more insidious (fantastic word choice). As an example, she brought forward a project idea and it was rejected with very little discussion. Two weeks later, a male colleague of hers presented the exact same idea and it was eventually accepted after a thorough discussion. I think it would be very disheartening to encounter this kind of behavior. My mother has a Bachelors in Biochemistry, a Masters in Business, and her CMA (Certified Management Accountant). What I'm trying to say is that she's frigging smart, and she, or any other woman, shouldn't have to put up with sexism in an obvious OR subtle way. It's not enough to hire a woman; you then have to treat her with the same respect you would give to any other employee, male or female. She shouldn't have to worry about whether she was hired for her brain or her breasts (unless she chooses a career path in modeling or pornography, which changes things).

Shmashmorshion

The procedure that dare not speak its name. 
I know this topic is incredibly difficult to talk about. It's touchy, it's loaded, it's emotional. But hey, so is sexual assault and self esteem and masturbation and all the other stuff I talk about so why not venture into this territory.

What I have to say is short and sweet. Abortion is legal; deal with it. It's not killing anyone, it's not murdering babies. It's medically evacuating a fetus. They have time limits on it here in Canada; you can't get an abortion after a certain month (it varies slightly from province to province). This means that generally there are no third trimester abortions or even late second trimester abortions. When the fetus is evacuated, it is not developed enough to survive on its own; it is not considered a person from a legal standpoint. It is not painful for the fetus; at this stage they do not have a neocortex, which is needed to feel pain and does not develop until the third trimester. 

Moreover, it is a medical, and not a criminal, issue. In fact it is criminal to prevent a woman from getting an abortion, and the provinces of New Brunswick and Prince Edward Island are currently facing a lawsuit because they are denying women's rights to their bodies by preventing or putting obstacles in place for abortion. 

Do you think it's easy to get an abortion in the Maritimes? It is not. Prince Edward Island does not have a single clinic or hospital that performs abortions (and they haven't since 1982), which means that the women of PEI have to travel outside of their province. If they can't afford the travel then they end up with an unwanted infant. Furthermore, PEI will only cover the cost of the procedure if a doctor has deemed it medically necessary. This is true of several provinces. This means that many women have to have psychological reasons listed for why they are having an abortion (as threat to the mother's life may not be medically accurate), and this goes on their medical history. Hello spiked life insurance payments, goodbye privacy. 

The fact is that women will receive more financial support from this country to have a child they never wanted than to have a medical procedure done. (To find out about the regulations in place for each province, check out This Link and pay close attention to the number of hospitals and clinics per province, then remember how massive Canada is). 

New Brunswick has a horrible system in place. Fredericton's Morgentaler Clinic is the only private clinic in the Maritimes. Despite efforts by pro-choicers, the procedure is not funded. The only way to have your abortion covered by Medicare is if you can get 2 referrals by doctors, if you're under 12 weeks pregnant, if you can get to the one of the two hospitals in New Brunswick currently performing abortions and if you don't mind having it added to your official medical history, to be viewed by every doctor you have from there on out. 

Basically what I'm trying to say is that it's incredibly difficult in terms of logistics to have an abortion in New Brunswick, or the Maritimes. It requires money that you may not have, time that you cannot give, and jumping through hoops you may not feel equipped to handle. That all seems pretty intimidating right? Now think about what these women are going through emotionally.

I am not speaking from personal experience here but I have friends who I have supported through this ordeal  and I can tell you that this was not an easy decision. I am in the beautiful position of being such a vocal feminist that everyone in my life knows that I will support them through abortions, births, sexual assaults and anything else life throws at them without judging their actions, decisions, thoughts and feelings. What I have learned though my experiences as a researcher, friend and advocate is that getting an abortion does not make for a difficult day or week; it is months of anguish, indecision, pain, shame, sadness, fragility, confusion. Years later these women still think about it, they are not treating the procedure as one would treat the removal of an appendix. It is a complicated decision and one that our country has deemed the women of Canada capable of making. Let them make the decision without intimidation and fear or retribution; they're already dealing with more than most of us will ever face. 

So, what is the opposite of pro-choice? Let me tell you: it is NOT pro-life. It is anti-choice. Pro-choicers certainly aren't anti-lifers. We simply understand that the decision is in the hands of the pregnant woman. We are not pressuring women to have abortions; only hoping that they will someday be able to make their choice without judgement, pressure or fear, and to have the option of abortion made easily accessible. If you don't believe in abortion, then you go ahead and don't believe in abortion for yourself. Forcing others into your way of thinking on this issue is wrong. I would never tell a woman to have an abortion or force her to give birth; I want her to make the decision based on what is best for her. So instead of saying pro-life, try anti-choice, because that's essentially what they're trying to rob women of: 
their choice. 

A final word. 

If you are a woman who is contemplating abortion, or who has had one, or who someday may have one, please listen: You have done nothing wrong. You are not a bad person, you are not any less beautiful or wonderful. You may feel all sorts of emotions, but please never feel shame, because abortion is not shameful. It is your right as a woman. You own your body; this country's politicians and anti-choicers do not. You are not alone. You may never tell me and you may not know who I even am, but my support is radiating out towards you, as it is from all the other women who are in this fight. 
You are not alone.

Poutine Diaries vol. 2

I saw a bunch of friends over Canada Day weekend a few weeks ago. We all met up at a friend's apartment for drinks, and I popped over wearing my typical flip-flops and sundress get-up, because that's how I roll. After listening to throwback 90s and 2000s music, the girls started throwing on their stilettos and grabbing their purses. I thought that we were staying in or I may have brushed my hair and put on some mascara, but it turns out that they all wanted to walk down to the bars.


So we're heading to the boardwalk for some fun times, and I'm pretty sober so I already wasn't really feeling the scene.  But as I'm walking at the end of the gaggle of gals, I realize that I am with a bunch of tall, skinny girls in full makeup, hot outfits, and high heels, and I literally stopped dead in my tracks and decided in that moment that I was going home. In that split second, my self-esteem just could not handle the concept that I would be going to a bar with these decked-out ladies and that I would be subjecting myself to scrutiny and comparison and all of the crap that happens at bars. I didn't want to be the joke of the group. I didn't want to end up in a couple of guys' story about how one of them had to be a good wingman and jump on the grenade (me) so that his buddy could close the deal with one of my gorgeous friends.

While I was walking home alone, I gave this some serious thought, and decided that the problem maybe isn't me. The problem is a culture where we're judged completely by our looks, especially at bars and parties and whatnot. There is a viral video circulating right now of Dustin Hoffman talking about his role as Dorothy Michaels in Tootsie (1982 film). He breaks down at one point when he says that he thought Dorothy was an interesting woman, but he himself would never approach her at a party because her physical features didn't fit the mold of attractiveness in our culture (Clip Here). He says that he'd been brainwashed, and I think that that is very true. We have come to value external attributes over internal attributes, and it is that attitude that makes women everywhere stop cold on their way to a bar and walk home alone instead.

I'm generally a happy person and I have confidence in my skills. The more work, volunteer and performance experience I get, the more my confidence becomes about who I am and not about what I look like. But when I'm stepping into that downtown life, I know that no one will hear about those parts of my life, because there's a chance that no one will ask. There is a chance I will be completely overlooked and no one will think "hmm maybe this girl is worth my time". It's rough to realize that, based solely on your looks, you are lower on the totem pole.

Luckily, I think that there are a few tricks that I can throw in place to make sure that my nights are fantastically fun. I'm not talking heavy makeup or pouffed-up hair or push-up bras or giant shoes. I am talking two internal things that somehow make the external shine:

Confidence & Humor

There was a poll in a Cosmo magazine that made me believe this a bit more. I'm not saying you should pack on 500 pounds and just boost your self-esteem because that's just plain unhealthy. I'm saying that no matter what size you are or what you look like, confidence reads as attractiveness. People see you looking genuinely happy, carefree or content and they believe it. They feel a pull towards it because it's such a beautiful feeling and they want it for themselves. Just go with it. Embrace who you are, never forget what makes you amazing and fun and let the other stuff go. If you're stuck, ask yourself what your mom and dad, or your siblings (if they're nice...hem hem) or your friends would say about you. How does your grandmother brag about you? What did your coach say to you? Has your boss ever thrown a compliment your way? Do me a favor and start believing all the people in your life who say good things about you. They love and care for you for reasons and there is nothing wrong in having pride for those reasons. 

Aimee Mullins is an actress, athlete and model. She also had both her legs amputated below the knee at the age of 1, due to a birth defect. So believe her when she says that confidence matters more than a body part, because she's been living life like a frigging rockstar when she could have let her double amputation rule her life and drag her down. It's women like this that show us that we can't let the haters make us hate ourselves. Faced with the obstacle of learning to walk on prosthetic legs, I think I can face down a few douche bags at the bar. I mean really, would I want to be talking to that 22% of guys who would rather date an insecure supermodel? Hell no. 

Lastly, humor. Because everyone loves to laugh :)

Re-Victimization

There's this thing that happens when victims of sexual assault come forward. It's not typically intentionally malicious, but that doesn't make it any less hurtful. It is something that has been termed secondary wounding, or re-victimization.

Re-victimization can be any of the following statements:

• So how much did you have to drink that night?
• Oh, is that what you were wearing?
• You need to put this behind you
• How many times did you say stop?
• Did you say no?
• Well you're lucky you're okay
• It could have been worse
• Are you sure it was sexual assault?
• It's not that bad
• But weren't you dating him?

Sexual assault victims' stories are continually questioned, and the questions can be extremely hurtful. They can come from doctors, nurses, friends, police, family or really anyone who hears about their experience. 

Some of the above statements are minimizing - statements that make the event seem less traumatic or horrific than it actually was. To be clear, every survivor experiences sexual assault in their own way, and their recovery processes are all very different. There is no definitive time line that says that if you were raped, you should be fully healed approximately 1 year after the event; some survivors may take less time, some may take more. In the same way that every person is unique, so is every sexual assault and every road to recovery. It is also important to note that it is not something that the survivor will ever forget. This is not something that they put behind them. This is something that they need to figure out how to live with. It is not like the time you broke your wrist in elementary school; it does not become a part of your past. Survivors carry their sexual assault with them every day.

Some of the these statements are also blaming. It does not matter what the survivor was wearing, how much they had to drink, if they were dating their attacker, etc. Sexual assault is sexual assault. Men aren't mindless animals; they don't lose their minds when they see a short skirt, they don't become rabid dogs when they realize that a woman has been drinking. Let's give men a bit more credit than that. Laying blame on the victim takes the responsibility away from the attacker. Was she really asking for it when she went out on a Saturday night in a party dress with her friends? Absolutely not. 

A teacher used a tactile technique to teach the lasting effects of bullying to her students, and I think that it translates well to sexual assault as well. You take a piece of paper, crumple it up into a tight ball, and then flatten it out. Is it in the same condition as before? Of course not; you can still see all of the lines and crevices left behind, and that piece of paper will never look normal again. Liken those lines to the emotional scars left behind from sexual assault and that's what a survivor feels like inside. Not only that, but no one else is helping them even smooth the paper out; their whole world was crumpled up and they have to figure out how to approximate a normal life again afterwards, knowing they can never go back. 

Here's how to avoid doing this to friends and family who have been sexually assaulted. 
BELIEVE THEM. Don't question the story, don't act like it's not a big deal, don't make their experience seem like anything less than what it was. In the world we live in, if the person you know feels comfortable enough to come forward with their story to you they are already taking a step that so many survivors never take because of fear of judgement. Don't be the person who makes them regret ever telling you about what happened to them. Don't add another scar to that piece of paper. Just be a support. 

Believe them. 

Manly Men

I want to throw out a few stories that show some men I've encountered who are absolutely fantastic because they're respectful, kind, and redefining what it means to be an honorable man.

Story #1. 
This story is about a friend of a friend of mine. Let's call her Betsy. Betsy went out to the bar with her friends and danced the night away, drinking and having fun. She spotted "John" across the way and decided that she was going to go home with him, and he was all for it, so off they went. Now in the middle of sex, Betsy realized that she really was not feeling it. She wasn't having fun, she was a little too drunk and the whole hook-up was just not enjoyable to her in that moment, so she asked John to stop. And he did. John stopped mid-thrust, got dressed, and left. 

Honestly I know this may not seem like a huge deal, but John is a beautiful man. He didn't think it was his right to finish, he didn't shame or manipulate Betsy, he just stopped, and left. So many sexual assaults occur because someone pushes their partner beyond the limits that they have comfortably set for themselves. John didn't do that; he didn't continue without her permission. She withdrew her consent and he accepted that, and for that John is my kind of man. 

Story #2.
I was at a party a month or so ago and there was a fella there who was inexplicably shirtless. He remained this way for the entire evening, just bopping about and loving the skin he was in. Let's call him Jim. At one point, Jim was standing with his back to my guy friend and me, and my guy friend five-starred el-shirtless man (as in, slapped his back real hard). When Jim turned around to see who had done it, my guy friend and a few other people around jokingly pointed to me. Someone yelled out "are you gonna get her back?" and Jim got super serious, and, with everyone listening, said loudly "I would never hit a woman, that shit is disgusting."

This was just a great moment for me. People were drinking and laughing and playing around, but Jim still recognized how messed up it would have been for him to even joke about hitting me, let alone actually come at me (bro). He said it around all his friends, the older guys who he may have been trying to impress, the girls who were laughing along with the charade. And he was totally unashamed of just laying it out there that hitting a woman is wrong. Jim was my hero that night. 

Those are the two stories that have been floating around in my head lately, and I am going to continue to look for these modern day manly men and applaud their actions. These stories show strength and character. Sexual assault and rape culture are not women's issues, because men are the vast majority of perpetrators (I am not discounting female perpetrators; it's just a fact that statistically men are almost always the aggressors).  

When I think about racism and homophobia, I can see that the revolutions that took place and continue to take place gained a certain amount of legitimacy when the parties potentially effected negatively by the movement took up the cause as well. It's not just gay people rallying against homophobia; there are straight people standing beside them, supporting them through their battles. Racism is not just an issue for minorities; the faces at the events surrounding the eradication of racism are as colorful as the flag for gay pride. We need men to stand beside us and support their wives, mothers, daughters and friends. We need our men to be unashamed to say they are feminists. We need our men to recognize that a woman has the right to her own body and her own future, and men like Jim and John are doing this in their own brilliant way. If you want to wave banners and create petitions then that's fantastic, but there are so many ways to show that you respect the women in your life. 

An image that Facebook refused to take down...

Don't laugh at jokes about violence towards women.
Understand that only yes means yes.
Stand up to sexism and bullying.
Question hateful comments.

As a woman, I will do my very best to give you the same level of respect and understanding that I hope to have for myself. If you're a man doing this out in the world; you may not know, but there are women everywhere noticing your 
                                                           strength and appreciating your manliness. Thank you.

I love boobs!

Breasts are so tantalizing. They can be voluptuous, perky, full, big, small, fun, delectable...damn. I'm a straight lady who is not ashamed to admit that breasts are sexy. I embrace my breasts as a part of my femininity. I love that part of my body. I think topless women are stunning and the Robin Thicke music video for Blurred Lines is kind of adorable. Plus, who doesn't love a midnight skinny dip?

 

What I find strange though is how my boobs aren’t really my boobs sometimes. I was at a party a few weeks ago and, as I am wont to do, had on a low-cut top. I went outside to talk to a guy friend and he was chatting with a fellow big-breasted woman. She cracked a joke (kind of awkwardly) that she was better because hers were bigger. The guy friend talking with us then said “well I’ll be the judge of that” and then reached out and grabbed one of mine and one of hers. It was so casual that I sort of froze. Yes. Me. Froze. The other girl laughed it off but I just stood there thinking “wtf wtf wtf”. I didn’t even slap him in the face or confront him, I just walked away. And it really got me thinking, what is going on in our culture that this guy thought it was acceptable to just grab my leftie like it was no big deal? I’m not a melon at the grocery store; you don’t get to give me an experimental squeeze. You don’t get to compare me by copping a few feels. You were not given permission to touch my body.  

Let me be clear: If you are that other girl and you aren’t bothered by being groped then that’s great. You go out and place all sorts of hands on your goods. The point is, it should be our choice. We should be the masters of our own destinies and all that beautiful stuff. Is it really too much to ask for my breasts to not be fondled when I don’t want them to?  And this doesn’t just apply to boobs. I’m talking ass, vag(ina), mouth, any part of your body that you don’t want people touching. When did it become okay for a guy to dry hump you because you agreed to dance with him at a club, or grab your ass as you’re waiting at the bar, or any of that crap? Let's stand up for ourselves and take ownership of our bodies.

I have a second breast issue. I want to talk about this because I believe in it, but also because I had the pure joy of having not 1 or 2 but 3 of my friends send me a link about the subject, knowing that I’m an advocate for equality and feminism. It makes me feel like my voice is being heard when people ask me questions and show me articles and I’m talking about breast feeding. In public. The main purpose of breasts is to feed infants! There’s a YouTube clip of a women in the UK reading a poem about this subject who says it much more eloquently than I ever could (here’s the link: Embarrassed - Hollie McNish) Basically she’s voicing what so many women feel. They feel the shame forced on them by a very judgmental culture, that’s spent so much time sexualizing breasts that it’s forgotten what breasts are intended for. She talks about sitting in a cramped toilet stall feeding her newborn infant surrounded by the stench of shit and piss trying not to offend people, but realizing that it’s more than a bit offensive what they’re doing to her and her daughter. She’s right. 

It’s as natural as death, child birth, hunger. Every mammal breastfeeds. I don’t think cats are scuttling away to privately feed their kittens. Why should beautiful beautiful mothers feel the need to do so? If people are worried that their kids are going to ask questions, perhaps they should figure out how to answer them instead of trying to prevent the question itself. If men are ogling, perhaps they need to figure out how to respect women and the control they have over their own incredible bodies. Infants don’t let their mothers know when they’re going to get hungry. There’s not a 6 hour waiting period between feedings. You feed your child when they’re hungry and you should be able to do that without fear or shame or guilt. 

 

Our relationship with our breasts is not overly complicated. We want them to be sexual when we choose, and nurturing when we choose. Either way, it's about owning your womanhood and you're just expressing that in different ways, and that's okay. The duality of being a mother and a lover is centuries old, let's ride with it. 

Final note: All you ladies out there, love the hell out of your breasts. They may not look like the boobs you see in porn or on HBO’s anything, but they’re probably gorgeous as hell. Don’t worry about your nipples, don’t stress about your cup size, and don’t obsess about your perkiness. You’ve got a perfect set and they’re an absolute delight.

The Gatekeepers of Sex

When I was in high school I remember having a conversation about sex with one of my guy friends, let's call him Ernie. He was frustrated because he was seeing a girl who wouldn't "go all the way" and he really wanted to. Ernie was basically saying that it's not fair, because boys only get to have sex when girls decide to. Boys say "I wanna have sex" and then they wait and wait for a girl to say yes. Girls say "I wanna have sex" and they can find a willing penis in their immediate vicinity. Girls are, essentially, the gatekeeper of sexy times. Girls have it easy. Well let me tell you, being the gatekeeper is not a fun time, and it's not something that we chose; society threw this on us and we have to figure out how to wade these extremely tricky waters.  

Pressure. Think of all the pressure that girls feel to have sex. One of my friends hooked up with a guy she was dating. They just fooled around a little, no sex, and he literally told our entire class every single detail, including some very private and semi-embarrassing things. Then he turns around and tries to get her to go further, and she's left with a dilemma: Should she respect her own boundaries and tell this guy to go jerk off in a bathroom stall, or does she go a little further than she's comfortable with to stop the rumors and appease this guy she still sort of likes? She's getting pressure from all angles. Her friends are saying "well he's so hot and he totally didn't mean to spread stuff about you", her critics are already labeling her a slut, the guy is telling her it will bring them closer, and his group of friends, the popular guys, are paying more attention to her than they ever had before. What a frigging mess.

We can all read that scenario and say that we'd put the guy in his place and walk away with our heads held high, but do you honestly truly think that it would be that easy? Think of the repercussions, the social exile, the rumors, the pettiness you'd encounter every day. There's no way to avoid pressure as a woman; there is no way to be immune to its influence.

Ideals. There's this weird balance that girls have to somehow figure out, if they want to be deemed attractive. They have to find this bizarre middle ground where the ultimate girl resides.

• She can't be a naive virgin, but she also can't have a high kill count (kill means people you've boned)
• She has to be intelligent, but not more intelligent than her counterpart
• She has to be funny enough to make people laugh, but not funny enough to draw attention away from the man, or make jokes that would take away from her sexuality (i.e: I'm sweating my balls off)
• She can't be too fat but she also can't be too skinny
• She has to be flirtatious, but not slutty
• She can't cover herself head to toe but she can't reveal to much skin either

I'm not saying that all men think this way; in fact I know some choice gentlemen who love an extremely intelligent woman or a girl who can crack jokes with the boys, but this ideal is nevertheless present in the way that women are socialized. There's a quotation from Marianne Williamson that rejects this whole notion, stating that "your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you." This is the challenge women must face every day; being unapologetically brilliant, encouraging other women to find the same sense of confidence, and hoping that the men around them can respect this, embrace this and maybe admire this.

Shame. Where the eff is all this body shame coming from? It's all over the place. From that perfect vagina in pornography (see post: Touch Yourself!) to the size 0-2-4 phenomenon (see post: Poutine Diaries vol. 1), we encounter it every day. One of the places that I see this is in sports. I play on a ball hockey team and I grew up playing ice hockey. Both of these sports are sweaty and gross and awesome, and both of these sports are played by guys too. After the game though, when we're in our separate locker rooms, boys strip down naked, hop in the shower, towel off and leave. Girls keep their sweaty bras and underwear on, throw their hair in a bun and shower when they get home. There are showers in the girls' locker rooms; this isn't what's stopping us from getting cleaned off before going home. I don't really know what it is, but I have a feeling that there's this looming insecurity that we'll all be judging one another's bodies. Moreover, there's a feeling that we shouldn't be showing our bodies to one another. That we aren't supposed to be naked in front of another living soul. That our bodies need to be covered up so that our femininity remains intact. I just don't get how guys have no problem with this (hey, maybe you do - post a comment if you do) but girls are super protective of their nakedness.

At what age are young girls no longer allowed to run around topless? I feel like my friends and I did that until i was like 7 or 8, because we had no concept that our bodies were sexual; we didn't even know what "sexual" was. If we wanted to run through the sprinkler on a hot summer day and we didn't have our bathing suits, well then we'd just strip off to our underwear and have at it. Now even 7 and 8 year olds have become sexualized. Not just with creepy creepy shows like Toddlers & Tiaras, but at school, on the internet, everywhere. We started getting the "cover-yourself-up" message and it sticks with us for life.
Now it's not just about putting on a shirt though; it's about covering up cellulite with longer hems, or wearing sleeves if you've got big arms, or buying looser tops if you've got some belly pudge. And it's about being a gate keeper.

In high schools now they're banning yoga pants all over Canada and the U.S. Not because they're unprofessional-looking or showing underwear or anything like that; several schools say that they are a "distraction for boys" or that they show "too much of the curvature of their behind". All I hear when I read crap like this is that they're putting the responsibility on women instead of men. Why teach the guys to respect women when you can get women to cover up their bodies? Why teach men to work past the distraction of a delicious booty when you can just get women to change their clothes? They are creating an environment where it is shameful for a woman to dress in a certain way. They are creating an environment where, if a girl is sexually assaulted in yoga pants, a finger can be pointed at her.

Gate Keeper. Being the gate keeper of sex is not an easy task. It's not something that goes away after high school, or university, or in stable relationships. I've only highlighted 3 areas that bother me, out of the dozens I am sure exist. Pressure. Ideals. Shame. It is a lot to handle. I wish someone had told me this when I was younger, because during that conversation with Ernie years ago I just turned to him and said "yeah, she's totally being a prude, what's her problem?"

Touch Yourself!

I remember when I was going into grade 6, a group of girls explained to me what female masturbation was. It took me a while to figure out that it probably wasn't putting a candlestick up yourself...

This is streaking, fyi

Boys come out of the womb playing with themselves and they don't stop from that day until the day they die, possibly even dying during sexy times. We almost never shame boys for this (sometimes I wonder if maybe we should shame them juuuuust a little bit so they're not so comfortable they'll just casually sit with their hands down their pants). But when it comes to our little girls, it's just not discussed. Girls' hands are pulled away from their own body parts when they're taking baths or getting dressed. When little girls make that embarrassing comment in front of their parents' friends "it feels good when I touch myself here (point to crotch)!", it's a horrifying moment. When a little boy runs around naked and proud, he's just a boy being a boy (I could argue that this also applies to full grown men (you know who you are)). But here's a crazy news flash: it's just as okay for girls to masturbate as it is for boys to masturbate!

Ladies: y'all need to touch yourselves. It's so important I could probably dedicate a full blog to it, but I'll just stick to one post (FOR NOW).

If this chick can do it, so can you! (put your pets on the floor)

 

How are we going to have a great sexual experience with another guy or girl if we can't figure out what makes our own body respond? How can you expect your partner to give you an orgasm before you've given yourself one? There's a certain amount of empowerment that comes from knowing you can get there all on your own. Trust me when I say that there is no way on earth you will ever ever ever give a boy his first orgasm. It is just not in the cards. He's practically a pro at getting himself off by the time he gets to the big leagues, while girls haven't even learned to...hold a bat? Well that metaphor didn't work out. What I'm saying is, you need to get off by yourself. Don't let the first person to touch your vagina be someone else!

There's an episode of Sex And The City where Charlotte sort of admits that she's not really into masturbation. I think at this point the rest of the gals buy her a vibrator and tell her to go to town (which she does, to the point of addiction). Charlotte basically typifies a big group of women who seem to be kind of afraid of their own lady parts, whether it's touching them or looking at them or whatever. She associates it with shame and sluttiness, like it's not something that a proper lady should be doing. That is just silly. It's just not true. It is totally a-okay to have a full-blown, down-and-dirty, sweaty-sheets romance with your own bad self. 

Charlotte has another episode where she admits she's never looked at her own vagina. Isn't that a little weird? Don't boys stand in front of full-length mirrors completely naked and swing it around (paint the fence, helicopter, etc.)? Women are allowed to open their legs for sex, but not for self-exploration? Come on now, of course not! In fact, in a perfect world, self-exploration would always come before sexy times with another person. Look at yourself, it's honestly not a scary thing...there's not a monster down there or something (typically). The worst part is that in pornography and in the media we only see one kind of vagina and chances are yours is a little different. READ: different does not mean less beautiful, less erotic, or less doable. There are very few guys out there who, upon seeing a woman fully naked, thinks "hmm nah that labia is a bit darker than my preference' and peaces out. You probably have a great vagina and props to you for it. Check her out, flirt with her a little. She is all yours.

Catty Cat Cattiness

Thank the sweet <insert deity> for sun. We've had 8 whole days of crappy rainy weather, and when you have to walk your puppy uptown 3 times a day it can make one a bit cranky. Also, not to brag or anything but this morning Dani and I did our walk with her off-leash and she stayed right beside me, because she's perfect.

Last night at my Engaging Girls & Young Women in Leadership Roles workshop, we played a question game. It goes like this: everyone lines up against one wall, and someone asks a yes/no question. If your answer is yes, you take one step forward, wait a beat, and then step back.  Basically it's like a sober NeverHaveIEver but I'm not asking about who's boned in a public place (it would be kind of inappropriate). The questions start of easy, like "have you ever sung karaoke?" or "have you ever danced alone in your room like an idiot?".

Then I threw down the heavy artillery: 
1. Have you ever been called a bitch, slut, whore?
2. Have you ever called anyone a bitch, slut, whore?

These are the tough ones. It's easy to step forward for #1, and feel all indignant about having someone slander you. But when question 2 rolls around, all of the sudden the tables are reversed, because inevitably a lot of girls are stepping forward. Why are we calling each other these words? As far as I know, the girls I went to high school with were not prostitutes and were all pretty decent human beings so why was the word bitch regularly used in my vocabulary? Now, I'm a face-to-face kind of gal, so if I thought you were a bitch you definitely knew it, but that doesn't really excuse that kind of behavior now does it? 

That is the ugliest effing skirt I've ever seen.

Let us harken to the eternal wisdom of Ms. Norbury of Mean Girls: "Well, I don't know who wrote this book, but you all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it okay for guys to call you sluts and whores." Girls are already dealing with guys crapping on them all the time, and then we turn around and do it to each other? Why are we so mean to each other? WHY ARE WE MEAN GIRLS? 

Throughout this project one of the first great moments I had was during a conversation with one of my guest speakers. She was talking about how when girls are arguing and being bitter and petty with one another, the men are sitting back and enjoying the show, grabbing those promotions and coming out ahead. She said that she sent a female colleague flowers after they'd received an award and the woman was totally taken aback because she hadn't expected congratulations from a woman on the same level as herself within the company. This speaker was basically saying "stop being catty, start being classy".  (I'd also like to point out that this speaker is now ridiculously successful.)

So very creepy

So I guess this is what I realized: Instead of climbing over each other, we should be helping one another reach the top. We don't want to be that massive pile of zombies in World War Z trying to make it to the top of the wall, because a) it's creepy and b) in the end only one person is at the highest point. Don't we want women in general to rise up? 

And I don't mean we want women all standing at the top together holding hands and singing "Kumbaya". If you are hardcore business-minded and driven and whatnot, good for you. I applaud you; you are being awesome. Wouldn't it be great if you helped another woman out, and then she turned around and helped you out in return? Men have created this mutually beneficial system where they get where they need to go because of connections, networking, the "old boys club" mentality of giving and then asking when they're deserving of that promotion or pay bump or free tickets or whatever. Women, we need to get our shit together and develop that support system. I do great work for my boss, she gives me a reference, I promote her business, she connects me with my dream employer...and it goes on and on. Obviously men need to be a part of our support system too, don't get me wrong. 

This whole idea needs to start early though; there's no golden age where valuing and respecting your fellow woman isn't important. There's no time in your life where it's not cool to be classy as eff. I'm offering my project to 15 brilliant young women, ages 17-25. I would absolutely give them a reference for their dream job, their dream volunteer position, their dream school. But I'm also banking on their success and hoping that one day they'll be my reference for my dreams. 

this guy = bullshit

Just imagine if the girl you called a slut all through high school ends up being your boss. Is there good blood there? Have you laid the groundwork for a promotion? Just imagine if that whoreish girl from residence ends up in the Masters program you want to apply for. Can you ask for advice? Can you set up a meeting with the professors through her connections? 

Our last speaker came in and opened with this statement "the concept of the self-made man is bullshit". She said everyone gets a helping hand. She talked about how one of her professors not only helped her navigate through university but also helped her secure her placement in her top choice for a Masters Program. Now, they help each other out, promote one another's business and they've got the ideal: a mutually beneficial partnership. They're not dragging each other down, there's no professional jealousy and they're both pretty awesome (I've been lucky enough to get to know both of them). No one gets to the top without help! You have to work hard and then 
ask for what you deserve to have. Women are a 
powerful, incredible resource; let's learn how to 
create a powerful, incredible support system. 

Why can't we all just get along?! 

Because of ALL the bitches.