Monday 30 December 2013

Have A (Sexy) Feminist Christmas!

A Feminist Christmas Poem

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the old flat
Not a creature was stirring, not even a cat
The shoes were all lined on the mat by the door
In hopes that snow would not melt on the floor

The feminist was nestled all snug in her bed
while visions of vibrators vibrated in her head
And boys in their boxers and boys in their briefs
Just had some "me-time" into their kerchiefs

When out on the street there arose such a clatter
The feminist sprung from her bed to see what was the matter
Away to the front door she flew with her sash
(To close her nightgown so she wouldn't flash)

The moon on the boob of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to the people below
When, what to her wondering eyes should appear
But a young couple, doin' it in the rear!

With the half-naked guy so lively and quick
She knew in a moment it would be over in a lick
More rapid than eagles his thrusts they came
And he whistled, and shouted, and yelled out her name;

"Oh Brenda, wait Brittany? No, Tiffany...or Tia?
Is it Tori? Or Laurie? Not Laura...it's Leah!"
To the top of the porch, leaned up on the wall
The feminist dashed away, dashed away, dashed down the hall

As poles help with the pitching of a tent
so too did this young woman give consent
and on down the hallway the feminist flew
Til she ran into a housemate or two

And then, in a twinkling, she heard on the roof
the unmistakable sound of a "woof"
As she drew to her door and turned around
the couple from apartment 4 fell down the stairs with a bound

He dressed all in latex, from his head to his toes
She wearing nothing but some fishnet panty hose
A bundle of toys he had flung on his hip
While in her two hands she cradled a whip

His eyes - how they shifted! His face all blushed!
His cheeks were like roses, his face was so flushed
His droll little mouth was about to apologize
When his lady friend silenced him with her eyes

The stump of the whip he held tight in his mouth
And he kept his submissive eyes trained south
She said "sorry for this, I mean - hell we
were just going to get some more lubricating jelly"

Then she led him to their door by his tiny rhinestone collar
It was easy to see which one of them was the brawler
But a wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave her to know she had nothing to dread

He spoke not a word, but went straight inside
And his lady friend loudly tanned his hide
Tonight the feminist had seen just two kids of femme
It takes all kinds, even BDSM

She sprang to her bed, turned on by the night
and got herself off, as is her right
And, she thought, as she slowly drifted away
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good lay!"





Friday 6 December 2013

14 Women Died - PAY ATTENTION TO THAT

On this day 24 years ago, Marc Lepine entered Ecole Polytechnique in Montreal and found a classroom of 60 engineering students. At gunpoint, he ordered the men to leave the classroom while the 9 women in the class were asked to line up against the wall. Later, the men would say they were confused, hesitant - but they all left. The women were shot. Six were killed instantly and three were injured. Lepine then left the classroom and continued to seek out female students throughout the school, entering classrooms, administration offices and the cafeteria and firing on every woman he saw. At one point a wounded woman asked for help. He stabbed her to death.

Before he took his own life he had murdered 14 women and injured several more.

In the wake of this massacre, the press labeled Lepine a sick man and said that it was coincidence that only women were killed. They said that he, too, was a victim of society's cruelty. When his suicide note was later leaked anonymously to Francine Pelletier, a reporter whose name was found on a hit-list in Lepine's pocket, it showed that he was specifically targeting women he viewed as feminists, stating that they had ruined his life. Lepine was denied entry to the school and determined that if the school - which traditionally had only enrolled men - hadn't had female students, he would have been granted admission. For the record, this is untrue. He did not meet the school's enrollment standards.

On this day we remember:


Genevieve Bergeron
Helene Colgan
Nathalie Croteau
Barbara Daigneault
Anne-Marie Edward
Maud Haviernick
Maryse Laganiere
Maryse Leclair
Anne-Marie Lemay
Sonia Pelletier
Michele Richard
Annie St-Arneault
Annie Turcotte
Barbara Klucznik-Widajewicz

I know most of you scrolled through that list. I know it seems like just a bunch of names. But it is so much more. Each of those names is a woman who would be an engineer today. They would be mothers and wives. Their parents would be grandparents now. They would have never heard of Marc Lepine. Instead, there are childless parents. There is cold stone where there should be warm skin. There is a man today who is married to a different woman, or who never married at all because the woman he was meant to be with was killed December 6th, 1989. People compare death to snuffing out a candle, but that's not true. A candle can be reignited. We lost those women forever, and with their deaths the face of Canadian feminism changed.


Here's why this is still relevant.

For a heartbeat in Canadian history, people thought about taking a step back. They thought, why put our women's lives at risk by pushing them into uncharted territory? If those 14 women were never in an engineering school, they'd still be alive. Maybe we should stop progressing towards this mythical concept of equality. Maybe we should focus on sheltering women from these harsh realities. Maybe we don't need female engineers. Maybe...

And then the Canadian heart, strong as always, beat on. As a collective we realized that that line of thinking is toxic. It's repulsive. One man's delusional actions should not halt the progress that we've made as a society. We must fight back! Not with guns, not with knives (the weapons of choice for Lepine) but with female engineers! Female politicians! Female doctors and lawyers and welders and electricians! With equality! With rights! What a beautiful thing.  As feminist Andrea Dworkin said "It is incumbent upon each of us to be the woman that Marc Lepine wanted to kill. We must live with this honour, this courage. We must drive out fear. We must hold on. We must create. We must resist."

Here's why I wrote this post. Because I have a point to drive home, and it is this: If you, like me, are glad to hear of the progress we've made in spite of Lepine's wishes, if you felt inspired by Dworkin's words, if you are happy that we have female engineers today, then why do we ask women to stay home at night, or not drink as much, or dress more conservatively to avoid sexual assault? In the circumstances of the Montreal Massacre, Canada could have withdrawn all female students. But we didn't. We pushed on, because we knew that it was not feminism but Lepine's anti-feminism that was at fault. We knew not to blame the victims simply for being in a classroom learning about a male-dominated field. We knew that they were innocent, and Lepine was guilty. Why then, when it is sexual assault do we ask what the woman could have done to prevent it?

We must, as a culture, as a community, acknowledge whole-heartedly that the victim is innocent and the aggressor is guilty. Should women deny their freedoms so that they avoid cruel men? If we always let the cruelty of the world dictate our actions, we would not be mourning the loss of the great Nelson Mandela, who believed in love over hatred. We would not celebrate Rosa Parks, who was tired in every sense of the word. We would have a history that would include Adolph Hitler's victory and Nellie McClung's defeat. But we didn't tolerate that. Let's be a culture that looks back in 50 years at the way we handled discussions on sexual assault and be proud. Don't settle. Don't accept. Do what Dworkin insisted upon. I will say it again:

"It is incumbent upon each of us to be the woman that Marc Lepine wanted to kill. We must live with this honour, this courage. We must drive out fear. We must hold on. We must create. We must resist."

Wednesday 20 November 2013

Sexist Feminist?

On my previous post, I let the world (lol jk the people who read this blog) know about the Empowerment All-Nighter, the event I created for women ages 17-25 in Saint John. It's going to be a blasty blast with games, zumba, self-defense, hair & makeup, a photo booth, yoga, games, food etc. I am pretty pumped about it, even though getting women ages 17-25 involved in something is extremely difficult sometimes...

So anyways, I posted this event, was interviewed on the radio, spread the info on Facebook, via Twitter and email, talked in schools, and offered my kidney to strangers to get people involved. Well. The other day someone called me sexist for making the event for women only.

I would like to clarify something.

The most at-risk group to be sexually assaulted is women ages 18-24, who make up the vast majority of both reported and unreported cases. This statistic determined who would be invited to our event. For good measure, we expanded the age range by a year both ways, for those entering the danger zone, and those exiting. If it were men ages 35-45, we would have catered our event to that age group, so it probably would have involved hockey or golf or some other male stereotypes (kidding). But since that group are far more likely to be the aggressors of sexual assault, we figured that they could survive not coming to an event that was designed to create a safe space for women to talk about rape culture and sexual assault.

I am not trying to put women above men. I am not trying to exclude people. That would make me a hypocrite. I am trying to create a space where women can talk about the weight that they carry on their shoulders just because they are women. The judgments, pressures, insecurities, impossible ideals and fears. I don't think that my intentions or actions are malicious towards men. No one has called me an ageist for restricting the event to 17-25 year olds. I guess I'm just shocked that someone would try and pick a fight rather than ask a question. 




I think what I'm getting at is that when you're about to call someone sexist, racist, ageist, homophobic, etc. especially when it's the reverse of the typical sexism, racism, etc. that takes place, find out what their intentions are. I am not a sexist (or any of those other things...). I am just trying to wake Saint John up to the fact that we have the highest rate of sexual assault in Canada. The only reason we're not hosting an event for men alongside this one is time and budget constraints, because that's life. We had to prioritize, and we went with women. When we were in Saint John High School last week doing our education piece, it was open to both boys and girls, and both boys and girls attended. If my project somehow gets more funding or support, the women I work with are incredibly enthusiastic about doing something catered towards young men. 

So please, do not think I don't care about what rape culture does to men. Rape culture encourages women to end up as prey, and it encourages men to end up as predators - neither situation is healthy! I don't fight rape culture just for women! I can't say it enough. I'm fighting against ignorance, stereotypes, violence, hatred. That means I'm fighting for women AND men. Just because I'm running a women-only program does not mean that I hate men.

STOP CALLING ME SEXIST! 

Monday 18 November 2013

Some Great (Feministish) Movies!

I watched a fantastic movie this weekend and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that a list of great movies may be in order for ma blog. They have a bit of a feminist vibe, but not really? I just like them because they break the mold a little bit (or a lot). Also these are not chick flicks. I've never met a man who doesn't love #4 on this list.

1. The To Do List - Frankly this was one of the most hilarious movies I've seen in a very long time. Huge laugh-out-loud moments, great comedic timing, and a brilliant storyline. This one is about a recent high school graduate who has never had a sexual experience and, being a very studious person, embarks on completing a list of sexual activities before the summer is out, ending in her losing her virginity. She's so factual about it that it's basically the total opposite of all the other teen virginity movies out there - unless the main character was a guy (read: American Pie). She's not out there to fall in love - she's out there to get shit done. No pies were harmed in the making of this particular movie.

2. No Strings Attached - This cinematic adventure came out at the same time as Friends With Benefits, and a lot of people preferred that one, but let me explain why I like the Ashton Kutcher/Natalie Portman duo over Justin Timberlake/Mila Kunis. FWB follows an incredibly predictable plot, where the girl falls in love with the guy and the guy isn't ready to commit. Have we not seen this before? I get it. Girl falls in love with guy and guy takes some extra time to realize that he, too, is in love with the girl. He then makes a grand gesture which makes up for the previous tiff. Good stuff. No Strings Attached flips the scenario on its head.
Here we have a girl who's in it just for the orgasm and the guy who's trying to push for the relationship - a situation that a lot of ladybirds I know have been in. I love this one because it's funny and it's atypical.

3. The Hunger Games - I know this choice is obvious. I just don't care! There's this new Swedish movie feminist rating system and The Hunger Games passes with flying colours. Some of the requirements are as simple as two female characters having a conversation about something other than a fella. Not even Harry Potter (<3) passes this rating system. I love this movie for a billion reasons, but one of the aspects I admire a lot is that Katniss knows she's got to save her life and protect her family. She has priorities that extend beyond falling in love, getting a boyfriend, etc. She's independent, strong, rebellious and also awesome. May the odds be ever in her favour. (Also, the quote in this photo is brilliant.)


4. Mean Girls - Such a classic. My generation may never stop quoting this movie. But it also carries a great message about how girls tear down other girls. As a feminist, I don't see the "enemy" as men; I see it as ignorance, tolerance of inequality, condescension, hate, sexual assault. Tina Fey makes the great point that if girls keep calling each other sluts, we're just giving guys permission to do the same, and that is not cool. In short, this movie is just plain fetch.


5. The Duchess - I wasn't sure if I was going to add a fifth movie to the list, but this one left me in tears. It is incredibly sad, thought provoking and beautifully done. It's kind of the opposite of a feminist movie but it's based on a true story and I think that it shows how far we have come. It's easy to crap on a lot of the issues our society still struggles with but when you watch a movie like this and see what it used to be like, you can think "yeah, we've made huge progress". And this is about a woman of high society - imagine what the working class was like. It's definitely worth a watch, but if you're a crier (LIKE ME) then I suggest you keep some tissues close by. Or a whole box.



That's it for now! Just glad I could share some thoughts. Also:
My leadership group is hosting an Empowerment All-Nighter November 30th, 6pm-6am. Zumba, Hair and Makeup, Self Defense, Yoga, Food, Movies, Games, etc. If you are a woman ages 17-25 in the Saint John area, email me for details!  rgrantvolunteer@gmail.com. It's going to be amazing fun, don't pass up this opportunity :) 

Friday 25 October 2013

Sex Advice From A Drunk Feminist!

There are some bases to cover before you read this post.

a) I'm buzzed
b) I'm sick (flu=sadness!)
c) I'm sleepy

The result is, as you may suspect, a buzzed sick sleepy girl. Crazy, I know.
So, yes.
Yes, a drunk post/rant. Or rant/post? Let the people decide.

I want to break down some copulation myths. Some sexual unicorns if you will (unless you believe in unicorns, in which case: a) dude I wish, and b) please select a mythical creature of your own choosing). I'm gonna give it to you as straight as I can. Let's say I'm trying to be the opposite of Cosmopolitan. Instead of all sorts of tips on how to get a guy to cum (like seriously? Most girls need tips on how to get the guy NOT to blow his load right away), I'm going to chat about how to get a girl to achieve orgasm!
LET'S DO THIS.

1. Not all girls get turned on in the same way. 
I know this is tragic, but if you've mastered one girl's "buttons" you have not figured out womankind. Some girls are just not into breast fondling. Some girls like anal fun. Some girls laugh when you seductively kiss their neck. Some girls enjoy a possessive ass grab. There's some quote out there about unique snowflakes - think of every vagina as a snowflake? Sure. Here are some tips to figuring out what your lady friend wants.
a) Ask. Really now gents, sometimes a sexily placed "tell me what you want guuuuuuuurl" can make all the difference.
b) Pay attention. If she's moaning when you rub her neck and then laughing when you rub her ass - that should tell you something. Now, I'm not saying you can't touch her ass, but please realize it's for you and not her.

2. Wetness is not a solid indicator of arousal.
Again, shocker for some of  y'all. But there is so much that gets in the way of natural vaginal lubrication. Nerves, stress, anxiety - all of that can make a girl a little less slippery than usual. Some ladies out there just have trouble no matter how ready they are for penetration. Some girls need more time in the foreplay stage than others. If you're mechanical, please feel free to think of us as lawnmowers. Some require a few more cranks than others! Some may need to be oiled up (read: buy some frigging lube). Others are revving to go. A few need to be flipped over. Some need tongue (yes, I'm aware I dropped the metaphor). My solution here:
a) Buy lube. Honestly, it will change your life. Try to remember it's for the vadge and not the package.
b) Give her a little more foreplay. We love that you guys can pop a boner if we throw a thigh squeeze or suggestive comment your way. Unfortunately, lady parts don't have the same BOING  reaction process. I recommend: fingers! mouth! sex toys! Speaking of sex toys...

3. Girls like battery operated pleasure sticks.
Don't force it on your woman partner. But mention it. Let her know you're open to it. Let her know you're down with the vibrating town. Be open to her bringing it into your sex life. She may already have a secret silicone friend she's been hankering to introduce to you. Don't freak out if she brings it up (Ladies: don't hesitate to ask if you want to introduce your toy to your boy). If you care about her orgasm, it's at least worth a conversation. Some girls don't want one, but some girls DO.

4. Please try and remember that our sex drives run independently from yours.
And by this I mean pressing your boner into someone is not going to make them drop to their knees and worship your crotch. Sure, it may happen sometimes but don't come to expect it. We are not at the mercy of your cock! Give us a frigging chance to initiate. We have sex drives too. As a commenter said on my last post, the only thing girls want in return for sex...is sex. So let us initiate...which means tone down the boner hugs.

5.  One word: Clitoris.
If you haven't learned this yet..well, then I would guess you've never given a girl an orgasm. I'm sorry but I'm probably right. Now let's further explore this beautiful, beautiful subject together. The clitoris is the only organ whose sole purpose is sexual pleasure. Its only job is to get girls off. It has more nerve endings than the whole penis, and, unless you've got a very unique clitoris, it's a lot smaller. Which means all those delicious nerves are all bundled together into the happiest place in the world: orgasm land. BUT what this means is that it's incredibly sensitive. If you put pressure directly on it, it can be an almost-painful experience. If you push too hard, you can make a girl cry from pain, not pleasure (bit of a downer, that is). My tips for the clit: clittips lolz
a) Approach the clitoris from the top (fingers) or bottom (tongue). It has a little hood - start by focusing there and then work your way to a more central approach. For the love of God don't poke it. Stabbing motions are NOT appreciated.
b) There is no shame in having your gal touch herself. She knows just what to do and it's enhancing whatever your fingers or penis are up to.Plus if you're paying attention you can learn from her.

Final note: COMMUNICATE. Doesn't matter if it's a one night stand, a relationship or a magical Zoolander-like orgy. Communication is key! 

That's all I've got for tonight. There's lots of tips out there I'm sure, but these are some complaints I've heard from my friends and their friends. I'm just looking out for the sore clits and over-fondled breasts and lonely vibrators. I'm basically a heroine. If I became a superhero, that could be my slogan. Justice for clits and tits <3

Monday 21 October 2013

Sexual vs. Sexualized

I was reading an article this morning about a subject I want to elaborate on. The article was talking about CW's new TV show called Reign, which aired October 16th. Leading up to the premiere, there was some debate about a scene that may need to be cut because of how racy it was. I'll describe the scene to you, and you can guess which part they considered axing.

A group of young ladies (literally ladies of ye English tymes) spy on a bedding ceremony, where a whole audience watched the newlyweds going at it so that there is proof of consummation (penis in vagina). One of the ladies gets turned on and sneaks off to touch herself, as women are wont to do once aroused. The king, upon finding her there, then uses the most cheesy of lines, something like "need a hand?" and then they proceed to go at it too.

SCENE.

So what do you think they had to take out? The part where a whole audience watches a couple have sex? The part where a grown man seduces a young teenage girl? Or the part where it is implied that a chick masturbates?

You guessed it folks, they pulled the clitoral stimulation. Why is it more scandalous for a woman to touch herself than for a hundred people to watch a man deflower his bride?

So that got me thinking about a woman being sexual, instead of simply being sexualized. It seems to me like women can't turn themselves on, can't get rowdy of their own accord, without it being viewed as vulgar. A man needs to be the one doing the stimulation in order for any sexual desire to be considered appropriate. Even in this scene, a man interrupts and helps her...finish.

Women are often shown using sex as a weapon or a tool for manipulation. Comments like "If you don't do this....then no sex for you!" pop up in practically every TV show on earth. That kind of thinking detracts from the concept that women want sex for their own gratification. It implies that a woman could keep her legs closed forever if she doesn't get what she wants. It's saying that sex is for the man and the resultant good behaviour or completed house chores are for the woman.



The reality is, girls like sex. They like touching themselves while thinking about sex. They like watching porn. They enjoy a good orgasm. They get turned on when they watch a hot sex scene. None of this makes us dirty, or whoreish, or any of the other words that are slung our way when we show some sexual assertiveness. We are sexual beings! We are not sexual objects! One of those is inanimate, and while I'm not here to judge your sexual proclivities, if you want an object and not a woman, please purchase a blow-up doll. I've heard that they can be incredibly realistic.

I couldn't use sex as a tool for manipulation, because I enjoy sex. Which means I want sex. Which means I wouldn't stop having it if the squeaky door wasn't fixed or if dinner with my parents didn't go well or whatever other reason Monica held out on Chandler and Penny held out on Leonard and Lily held out on Marshall. Bottom line is, women are allowed to be sexual in their own right. Female masturbation is not dirty. You're not a slut for touching yourself. You have the power to make yourself orgasm and you don't need someone to "lend a hand" or give you permission. You can watch porn or read erotica or close your eyes and think of whoever you want. We may spend a lot of our lives being sexualized; therefore I would ask that you embrace the opportunity to be sexual.

Monday 14 October 2013

Giving Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Let's give thanks.
 
Let's give thanks for the fact that when we did stupid shit when we were younger, no one print screened it and then ruined our lives by sending it to our friends and family. Amanda Todd flashed a guy on webcam and someone sent the photo to her entire school, over and over again until she attempted suicide. After that, people made fun of her for being too stupid to kill herself. The second time, she succeeded.







Let's give thanks for not being gang raped and then bullied for two years, reaching a point where we didn't see any way other way out except to take our own lives. Rehtaeh Parsons was sexually assaulted at a party. It was photographed, circulated, and she suffered at the hands of her aggressors and her entire community for years until she couldn't handle it, and committed suicide.




Let's give thanks that when we drank too much at a party and passed out upstairs, people we considered friends didn't come into the room, undress us, sexually assault us and write all over our unconscious bodies with marker, then circulate the photos and have the whole school treat us like dirt until we committed suicide. Audrie Pott suffered through this situation and in the end, ended her own life as well. Even after her death, her aggressors considered what they had done to her as a prank, nothing more.

Let's give thanks that we are not Amanda, Rehtaeh or Audrie. But wait. How do I know that some of you aren't suffering through some version of their Hells right now? How do you know that someone you love isn't dealing with this horror as you read this? We can't.


So let's give thanks that maybe there's a chance that we can be the person who prevents someone from killing themselves. Let's give thanks that if we change our behaviour, others may do the same. Let's give thanks for having hope that rape culture may come to an end. Let's give thanks for having the capacity to care and to love and to fight inequality.

Let's give thanks.

Tuesday 8 October 2013

Downton Rape Rant

Hello my sauciest of chicken wings,
Today my post shall be about Downton Abbey, and not just how amazing it is and how much I wish I lived it (until I remember the oppression, the fact that women couldn't inherit or make decisions or elevate their status of their own accord - MY we have come a long way!).

SPOILER ALERT THIS IS ABOUT SEASON FOUR.

So the last episode..it had rape. A definite fan favorite, Anna (the sweet, innocent, Bates-loving maid with the heart of gold) is attacked by a visiting fellow's butler. He beats her, drags her into a side room by her hair and rapes her while the rest of the household is watching a concert. No one hears her screams. Later, when Mrs. Hughes finds her and tries to get help or call the doctor, Anna begs her not to. She's worried her husband would kill the man and she'd lose him forever (jail, hanging, etc). She has Mrs. Hughes promise not to tell another soul. It is an absolutely heart-wrenching scene. She's disheveled, her clothes are torn, her face is bruised and bleeding and her perfectly coiffed hair has been pulled out. But the thing that makes it really sad is how broken Anna seems. It's the look on her face, not the bruises, that break your heart. It's the sobs rocking her body, and not the torn clothes on it, that make you want to reach into the screen and literally murder her attacker (no joke, Julian Fellowes - he's got to die).



In terms of the season, this will obviously be a pivotal moment and we'll be spending every episode from here on out waiting for that main to be killed/castrated. But what really surprised me is the amount of uproar over the rape from fans. People have likened it to a murder happening on the Teletubbies. They've said they don't tune in to the show to watch this kind of stuff. That Downton Abbey is more wholesome and viewers shouldn't have to see rape. They've said that for the writers to portray violence against women is morally reprehensible. Fans are threatening to boycott the show.

At this stage of the post, I'd like to do a little recap. This "family show" has portrayed: famine, adultery, war, disease, death from childbirth, death from car accidents, homophobia and moving dead bodies around in the middle of the night. I'm pretty sure that racism is going to come into play in the next episode too, considering they're adding their very first black cast member. But now that the rape card is being played, all of the sudden the writers have gone too far? It's a period drama. Are fans insinuating that rape didn't happen in that century? Do they think that maids weren't abused? Do they think maids aren't still abused? Do they think women haven't been dealing with sexual assault for the entirety of our existence? Is sexual assault so taboo in their heads that they can watch a woman seize herself to death in the arms of her family, but Anna being sexually assaulted is morally wrong to show?

Why are people trying to ignore rape? Is it easier to pretend it's not happening? Do you think that makes it go away? Do you think that means it won't happen to you or to the people you love? Get real. If you're so disgusted and horrified to see this on tv, then start fighting against sexual assault in the real world. Don't just turn your head and ignore what's happening every single day.

Downton Abbey also did a great job of showing how traumatizing sexual assault is. I have a feeling that Anna isn't just going to move on with her life. We're going to see her struggle with intimacy, anger, guilt, and pain. People need to see this. People need to understand how devastating rape is for a woman (or a man). Even George R.R. Martin (Game of Thrones) doesn't have his main female characters brutally raped (yet?), despite the fact that several side characters and faceless women in his novels are raped, murdered and considered the spoils of war. Don't get me wrong, that scene killed me to watch. I wish it hadn't happened to our favorite little Anna. But I'm glad that they're showing sexual assault for what it is. Anna was in a home she felt safe in, which is where most sexual assaults occur. Her aggressor was a man that she was already acquainted with, which is also the majority of cases.  She tried to hide the assault after the fact, worried about the fallout. None of this has changed over the years since Downton Abbey takes place.

If watching what happened to Anna was so hard, start fighting for the girls who go through that every day. After all, Anna is played by an actress. She goes home at the end of the day wearing jeans. She washes off the bruise makeup and is applauded for her acting abilities during that scene. The hundreds of thousands of women who have been and will be sexually assaulted do not have that option.


Tuesday 1 October 2013

Calm Your Tits

Sometimes, when I'm talking about rape culture and sexual assault, people tell me to calm down. My response is pretty standard: no. Why on earth would I calm down? What is "calm" going to do for me? Is it going to get my message out? Is it going to keep me going when I face an obstacle? Is it going to ensure that people understand that blaming the victim is wrong? No. Because when people say "calm down" what they're actually saying is "shut up", or "we've heard enough", or "this subject is too gory, no one should be talking about it". If you don't think people should be talking about it, then why
would it be okay for people to do it?

The facts are that sexual assault is rampant in our society, and that shaming the victims into silence and forming a cycle of abuse through our current culture is the standard. An abused female child is likely to end up an abused woman, and will stand by while her children, in turn are abused. It's all she's ever known. An abused male child is likely to end up as an abuser, to both his partner and children. It's all he's ever known. Often, because of socioeconomic reasons, drugs and alcohol are turned to as it is easier to deal with the atrocities they've faced when it's clouded by self-medication. How can people like this break the cycle when the subject is taboo, when the majority are remaining actively ignorant, when the standard response is "calm down"?

Saint John has been experiencing some horrors. We've had convicted sexual predators released into our community. That may seem scary, and it is, but let me say this again for the record: 84% of the aggressors of sexual assault are people that the victim is friends/family with. It's not the man with the tattoos over his face that is the main concern. Women in Saint John are sleeping beside their abusers, were raised by their abusers, were cornered by their abusers at a party. You see that tattooed man coming for you. What you do not see is the best friend, brother, father, husband. And you're telling me to calm down?

We'll spend years recovering from Donnie Snook. That man targeted children and systematically destroyed their belief that they would be believed, that they were loved, that they held any value. He is a monster and honestly if he died in prison, a part of me would be celebrating. Hell, the majority of me would be. The majority of you probably would be too. But when we read the papers, see the reports, hear the stories, we find that attempts at contacting the police were made as early as 2007. We see that people had suspicions, but thought that they would not be taken seriously. We see a socioeconomic group of people who predators view as prey. And you're telling me to calm down?

In the Telegraph Journal last week there was an article about a 13 year old girl who was convinced by a pedophile to send him some naked photos. He, in turn, sent them to her sister, who reported this to the police. This story has a happy ending, but a very gory middle. It involves sexual assault, sexual harassment, child pornography, coercion and manipulation. But, a happy ending. My question is: how many young girls in our city and surrounding areas have print-screen shots out there? How many of them are sitting at home, praying their parents, friends, teachers, don't see their mistake. Amanda Todd committed suicide after photos circulated of her. Rehtaeh Parsons committed suicide two years after being gang-raped and having photos of the event circulated of her. Audrie Pott committed suicide after being sexually assaulted and photos of her naked and covered in marker circulated of her. This could happen to you, your daughter, your friend. And you're telling me to calm down?

Well, fuck that. I will not calm down. And neither should you.

Monday 23 September 2013

What It's All About

This is an image that everyone should see. Feminism, at least MY feminism, is not about becoming better than men or thinking of them as inferior. It is not about forcing women into pants when they want to wear dresses or discarding supportive undergarments. It is not about reaching "the top". It is about freedom to make decisions based on what you want, without fear, shame or intimidation. I think that being a housewife, a businesswoman, an exotic dancer, or a nun are all great choices, as long as they were actually choices and not forced upon them by circumstance and society. I know that I've been given a certain set of privileges based on the circumstances of my birth, and I'm lucky, but I'm a feminist for the people who were born unlucky. I'm a feminist for the world my someday-kids (daughters AND sons) will grow up in. I'm a feminist for survivors of sexual assault. I'm a feminist for women who face obstacles of racism and homophobia on top of sexism. I'm a feminist for the girls who hit glass ceilings. 
And I'm a feminist for me, too. 

Wednesday 18 September 2013

Take Back The Night (not JT)

This is going to be a pretty brief post. I just wanted to throw down some lyrics to a song I wrote for Take Back The Night, which is a march to end violence against women. Hundreds of women die every year at the hands of their significant other. If you're from Saint John, you would have heard of the murder this winter in Rothesay, or the one on Rothesay Avenue last year, where women were violently killed, one in full view of the street and the other in front of her child. This isn't some issue that's happening somewhere else. It's not happening to other women, it's happening to us. Saint John has one of the highest rates of sexual assault in the country. It is a prevalent, important and dangerous issue and we need to show support for an end to sexual violence when we can.

FYI to those in Saint John: The march is this Friday (September 20th) at 8pm in King's Square. 

Without further ado, here are my words:

There's a war against women so we're here to fight
We're here to spread wings. We're here to take flight
We're here to say violence is never right
We're here to take back the night

There's a girl out there with auburn hair
Whose eyes turned bluer when she cried
But no listened, no one saw
Until the day she died

A father lost his daughter that day
Though perhaps he lost her years ago
On the night those boys, they took from her
Her right to her body, her soul

Our mothers, our daughters, our sisters, our friends
There is no mythical "they"
It happens to those we love and who love us
So we're using our voices today

Together we stand; together we say
You can't turn off our light
You can't blow out our candle's flame
Because we're here to take back the night

Remember the suffering of those everywhere
The women and girls who are gone
Tattoo their names on our hearts and stand tall
In their memories, we march on.

There's a war against women so we're here to fight
We're here to spread wings. We're here to take flight
We're here to say violence is never right
We're here to take back the night



Tuesday 3 September 2013

Miley Twerk Bandwagon


I'm sure most of you have heard about the VMAs this year where Miley Cyrus twerked on stage whether you wanted to or not. It's caused quite a stir in what I like to call "the feminist world (a world not everyone inhabits, I'm sure)". Comments have bounced between "she should be ashamed" to "she should do with her body what she wants" and thus a conflict has arisen. I'm loving it; I find it so hilarious that the actions of some 20 year old basically only famous because of a one-hit-wonder father are gripping our attention more than issues in Syria, that anniversary of the "I have a dream" speech, and perhaps just as importantly, the gloriousness of Lady Gaga's ass during her own performance at the VMAs (hot damn.).

But since it's been plastered all over every website from silly ones like 9gag and Fox News (you idiots) to actual legitimate news sources, I figure it's worth a discussion.

My immediate reaction: Who gives a shit? Honestly. Not a rhetorical question. Who actually, out there in the world, cares? She wore a bikini, a strange foam finger (with a fingernail - in my view the most offensive part of the performance), danced with some sad looking bears, and twerked upon Robin Thicke's crotch. The whole thing was under 3 minutes. Mostly it was just awkward and not the sexy I feel Miley intended. She should indeed be able to do whatever she wants with her 20 year old body, even if that includes pretending her foam finger is a penis by dangling it between her legs (LOL).  This is the extent of what my brain should have thought about this. I wouldn't have even known about it if the internet hadn't decided to make it an international crisis.

My second reaction: So Miley worked her twerk (and honestly, it wasn't really that great of a twerk - I've seen better...IN MY MIRROR (I kid).). But Robin Thicke is singing a song about blurred lines...singing over and over the lyrics "I know you want it" which is basically a rapist's mantra. You know a girl wants it when she explicitly says "I want it". I personally love the song (so catchy!), as I've said before, but I'm a 23 (almost 24! - go September babies) year old who can appreciate a song without taking the message to heart. So what about the 12 year old girls who hear the song, go to a party and are sexually assaulted? If their attacker says "I know you want it" or "you were asking for it" or "I could tell you were into it", maybe they'll question their own resolve and that's where this gets sticky. Blurring the lines of consent is at best foolish, at worst dangerous. The bigger issue should be Robin's song, not Miley's sad twerk.

The first thought upon seeing the hair and tongue...perhaps there was more artistry to this performance than we thought

My last reaction: If I'm worried about the message that the song Blurred Lines is sending young women...should I not also be considering the fact that Miley Cyrus is a role model to literally hundreds of thousands of young girls in North America? If they see their favorite Hannah Montana bounding around on stage wearing next to nothing, sticking her (giraffe-sized) tongue out and basically miming sex, what kind of message is that sending? Miley certainly can do whatever she wants, but should she? Should she perhaps be morally responsible for the hoards of young fans that she has? Is it entirely the responsibility of parents to protect their children from lewd behaviour? In this world of smartphones and i-everything and kids who are 100% better at technology than their parents (I only play Minesweeper and Solitaire on my laptop for God's sake), how can you control what they see? You can't. But if I thought my actions may
effect young people who look up to me, I would
perhaps be more careful about what they'd see...

Conclusion: There is no easy answer here. It happened and the emphasis that we've put on the event is far more dangerous than the actual 3 minutes of video was. I feel that the vast majority of the population was not watching the VMAs; if everyone had just let it be what it was, I wouldn't be posting about this because I wouldn't have had a clue that it had happened. If, as a culture, we could (as Ron Weasley says) sort out our priorities, we could have prevented all the dialogue on this issue...though this feels slightly ironic seeing as how I'm now adding to the discussion myself. Such is life, I suppose.

Tuesday 27 August 2013

Funny/Disastrous Sex Stories

Seeing as how a lot of my topics are painful, emotional and difficult, I thought that a post here and there with some levity would be appropriate. I'm all about consensual sex, and when it's consensual some funny shit can go down. So I have been gathering some stories from my friends and whatnot. I'm going to leave them all anonymous with pseudonyms as names, but I thought after reading about all the sadness some happiness was well in order. Who knows, maybe one of these stories is about me.

1. A friend of mine was staying at her boyfriend's house for the weekend while his parents were away. They decided to sleep in the master bedroom, which they'd never done before, and hence used the master bathroom. So my friend was getting ready for bed  (going pee, brushing her teeth, washing her face, etc.) and decides she's going to give her boyfriend a blow job before bed. As she's going down on him though, he starts to lose his hard-on...and the more she tries to get it back, the softer he gets. Finally she says "what the hell is going on?" and he says "I have no idea! Why don't you tell me? I can't even feel my dick anymore". So they're both sitting there all confused and he goes to the washroom to wash himself off when he finds the open tube of toothpaste she had used to brush her teeth. Only it wasn't toothpaste...it was RUB A535. The effects lasted for a week, poor fella.


        2. Two of my friends had been dating for a few weeks and were reaching that point in the relationship where it's time to do it. They were out at the bar with a few friends and both of them knew that tonight was the night, so they had a couple drinks and took off. They come back to her apartment and things are heating up. He takes off her pants but trouble starts to arise when they try to take off his. In this day and age when men have tighter jeans than women, we're running into these types of issues. So finally he lies on the bed and she grabs the bottoms and starts yanking while he's wiggling his hips in an effort to help. After a few good tugs, his pants come loose and literally fly off...not only does she fall back into the wall but she punches herself in the face and ends up spending the next twenty minutes trying to stop her nosebleed. And who says romance is dead?

3. My friend and her casual fuck buddy hadn't seen each other for a little while and so when they finally got their hands on each other again things were going at warp speed. They were making out on the counter in the kitchen but had to quickly move to the bedroom because she kept banging her head on the hanging lights. They attempted some foreplay but were both just way too eager to get to the real thing so they just started boning. About two minutes into it though, he goes soft and she's thinking "well, Jesus. I know it's been a month but that's just funny"...but then she looks down and sees blood.
Thought 1: oh shit I started my period on a dick.
Thought 2: why does he look like he's in pain and not just grossed out?
Thought 3: oh my god that blood is not mine
Thought 4: I BROKE A MAN'S PENIS
And thus with one foul thrust the weekend went from one full of sex to one full of babying a poor man and his poor foreskin. Word of caution: always warm up your gal.

4. A friend of mine and his girlfriend were celebrating their anniversary, and they decided to go to dinner, pick up a few fun desserts at the grocery store and then head home for a night of whipped cream, chocolate syrup and other sexual edibles. At the dinner, they have a few drinks and end up getting each other super horny, all giddied up on the anniversary and the promise of the anniversary sexy times. By the time they get to the grocery store they can barely keep their hands off of each other, so they decide to get risque and fuck in the grocery store washroom. They find it near the checkout lines, and discover it's occupied, so they wait. They're riding their buzz and giggling when 2 minutes goes by. Then 5 minutes. Then 10 minutes. Just as their buzz is dying, the door opens and a massive man comes out, sweat pouring down his face and onto his cheetos-stained t-shirt, followed by a waft of the most indescribable stench the two of them had ever encountered. The guy just looks at them, grunts "s'all yours" and shuffles off to the candy aisle. If that's not the definition of buzz-kill, I don't know what is. Needless to say, they waited for the safety of their own home.

That's all I've got for now. I'm sure more will follow in the future. For the record, I asked all of my buddies for permission before posting, so if you're out there and I know your silly sex story and you're worried, don't be! The worst I'll do is ask :)


Thursday 15 August 2013

Sad Side to Feminism

Today is one of those days when the feminist in me is experiencing a lot of sadness. I can tell you, it is very difficult to have conversations with people who believe that sexual assault is partly the woman's fault. It is difficult for me to hear someone go off about the victim, never knowing that in a room of 5 girls, at least 1 of the women present probably is a victim. It is difficult for me to hear people I consider intelligent show complete ignorance and refusal to learn over issues like consent, sexual assault and rape culture. It is difficult for me to hear men talk about abortion when they'll never know what it's like to experience pregnancy. It is difficult for me to think of the women who are just dying inside because they don't have a support system or a person to lean on or a friend to cry to.

I go to the comment sections on feminist posts and it makes me reel. People are saying things like: "If you're a feminist you're pretty fucking stupid", "real men don't accept no" and "Stick with your kitchen job woman! You are lucky to get out of the house" (links where those comments are posted below:  http://9gag.com/gag/av0nrEWhttp://9gag.com/gag/a8W44VV). I wonder why people feel okay saying such hurtful things, why some men are fucking animals to women they don't even know, or to women that they do know, why human decency is no longer something you can assume everyone has. I wonder why some women are pushing others down to feel bigger, when in reality they're just dragging themselves down as well. Why degrading language about women is so prevalent, and no one seems to protest. Why a man would think that sexual assault is a women's issue, when 97% of aggressors of sexual assault are men.

Today is a day where I'm thinking about the justice system, and how few sexual assaults are convicted. How most women are suffering in silence, too scared or ashamed to come forward. But then why would they, when our system isn't designed to believe the victim? When the system turns the survivors of sexual assaults into witnesses to the crime committed against their own body. The sexual assault is seen as an offence against the crown, not the woman made of flesh and blood standing in front of them.

Today is a day when I wonder how many more Rehtaehs there are out there. The only reason her story came forward is because she killed herself; that's what it took for the media and law enforcement to care about a girl who was raped at a party and then harassed for two years. How many more girls in high school and middle school are suffering through the humiliations that Rehtaeh dealt with, wondering if there is any reason to hold onto the ounce of hope they have left?

I ask myself on days like today why everyone, (not just every woman), isn't trying to right these wrongs. For men, it's happening to their sisters, their girlfriends, their mothers and friends. It's not just happening to women that you think "deserve it". I look at my beautiful younger cousins, all 6 of them these gorgeous tall creatures with so much life inside of them, and worry myself sick that someone will rob them of that light. I know the statistics, I know the world they're growing up in, I know about the lack of education on consent. I know what they're facing, and I hold my breath for them, fingers crossed, hoping they make it out alive, and I try to forget the "1 out of 5" statistic.

On days like today, I have to remember the women I've helped on the Sexual Assault Crisis Line. I have to remember the friends who felt safe enough with me to tell me their stories. I have to remember the internal drive that I have to protect as many women as possible, to educate as many people as possible, to prevent as many sexual assaults as possible. On days like today I have to believe that even if only one person reads my blog, I could be making a difference. That even if only one out of one hundred women I speak to feels more empowered, I am helping that one person.
That this fight is one I can win, that women can win.

On days like today.