Sex Advice From A Drunk Feminist!

There are some bases to cover before you read this post.

a) I'm buzzed
b) I'm sick (flu=sadness!)
c) I'm sleepy

The result is, as you may suspect, a buzzed sick sleepy girl. Crazy, I know.
So, yes.
Yes, a drunk post/rant. Or rant/post? Let the people decide.

I want to break down some copulation myths. Some sexual unicorns if you will (unless you believe in unicorns, in which case: a) dude I wish, and b) please select a mythical creature of your own choosing). I'm gonna give it to you as straight as I can. Let's say I'm trying to be the opposite of Cosmopolitan. Instead of all sorts of tips on how to get a guy to cum (like seriously? Most girls need tips on how to get the guy NOT to blow his load right away), I'm going to chat about how to get a girl to achieve orgasm!
LET'S DO THIS.

1. Not all girls get turned on in the same way. 
I know this is tragic, but if you've mastered one girl's "buttons" you have not figured out womankind. Some girls are just not into breast fondling. Some girls like anal fun. Some girls laugh when you seductively kiss their neck. Some girls enjoy a possessive ass grab. There's some quote out there about unique snowflakes - think of every vagina as a snowflake? Sure. Here are some tips to figuring out what your lady friend wants.
a) Ask. Really now gents, sometimes a sexily placed "tell me what you want guuuuuuuurl" can make all the difference.
b) Pay attention. If she's moaning when you rub her neck and then laughing when you rub her ass - that should tell you something. Now, I'm not saying you can't touch her ass, but please realize it's for you and not her.

2. Wetness is not a solid indicator of arousal.
Again, shocker for some of  y'all. But there is so much that gets in the way of natural vaginal lubrication. Nerves, stress, anxiety - all of that can make a girl a little less slippery than usual. Some ladies out there just have trouble no matter how ready they are for penetration. Some girls need more time in the foreplay stage than others. If you're mechanical, please feel free to think of us as lawnmowers. Some require a few more cranks than others! Some may need to be oiled up (read: buy some frigging lube). Others are revving to go. A few need to be flipped over. Some need tongue (yes, I'm aware I dropped the metaphor). My solution here:
a) Buy lube. Honestly, it will change your life. Try to remember it's for the vadge and not the package.
b) Give her a little more foreplay. We love that you guys can pop a boner if we throw a thigh squeeze or suggestive comment your way. Unfortunately, lady parts don't have the same BOING  reaction process. I recommend: fingers! mouth! sex toys! Speaking of sex toys...

3. Girls like battery operated pleasure sticks.
Don't force it on your woman partner. But mention it. Let her know you're open to it. Let her know you're down with the vibrating town. Be open to her bringing it into your sex life. She may already have a secret silicone friend she's been hankering to introduce to you. Don't freak out if she brings it up (Ladies: don't hesitate to ask if you want to introduce your toy to your boy). If you care about her orgasm, it's at least worth a conversation. Some girls don't want one, but some girls DO.

4. Please try and remember that our sex drives run independently from yours.
And by this I mean pressing your boner into someone is not going to make them drop to their knees and worship your crotch. Sure, it may happen sometimes but don't come to expect it. We are not at the mercy of your cock! Give us a frigging chance to initiate. We have sex drives too. As a commenter said on my last post, the only thing girls want in return for sex...is sex. So let us initiate...which means tone down the boner hugs.

5.  One word: Clitoris.

If you haven't learned this yet..well, then I would guess you've never given a girl an orgasm. I'm sorry but I'm probably right. Now let's further explore this beautiful, beautiful subject together. The clitoris is the only organ whose sole purpose is sexual pleasure. Its only job is to get girls off. It has more nerve endings than the whole penis, and, unless you've got a very unique clitoris, it's a lot smaller. Which means all those delicious nerves are all bundled together into the happiest place in the world: orgasm land. BUT what this means is that it's incredibly sensitive. If you put pressure directly on it, it can be an almost-painful experience. If you push too hard, you can make a girl cry from pain, not pleasure (bit of a downer, that is). My tips for the clit: clittips lolz
a) Approach the clitoris from the top (fingers) or bottom (tongue). It has a little hood - start by focusing there and then work your way to a more central approach. For the love of God don't poke it. Stabbing motions are NOT appreciated.
b) There is no shame in having your gal touch herself. She knows just what to do and it's enhancing whatever your fingers or penis are up to.Plus if you're paying attention you can learn from her.

Final note: COMMUNICATE. Doesn't matter if it's a one night stand, a relationship or a magical Zoolander-like orgy. Communication is key! 

That's all I've got for tonight. There's lots of tips out there I'm sure, but these are some complaints I've heard from my friends and their friends. I'm just looking out for the sore clits and over-fondled breasts and lonely vibrators. I'm basically a heroine. If I became a superhero, that could be my slogan. Justice for clits and tits <3