Five Marriage Lessons After Five Whole Months

Well I'm a wise married wife now, and therefore valued much more as a woman (though less valued than a mother, as I haven't yet completed my duty as a person with a vagina). Speaking of which, here are some things I've learned in these five months of marriage, as I am now clearly an expert.

1. When I decided to keep my own last name, I caused a hell of a lot of confusion. I was having a conversation with a woman and she said something like "Oh it's been a while, Rachael...who now?", I said "oh I'm still Rachael Grant", to which she gasped and immediately replied "Oh my God you didn't get married?!" Yes, this allowed me to show off my engagement ring and wedding band, but still. This is 2016! Unless I change my name to Princess Consuela Banana Hammock, there is no need to act shocked. 

2. My uterus became a topic of conversation as soon as we got home from our honeymoon (Scotland, it was incredible). Did we conceive in Europe? Not answering that. Are we trying now? Not answering that either. Are we trying in a year? *silence*. How many kids do we want? *this is me not answering*. Here's a scary truth: you can actually have a child out of wedlock. You can also decide not to have a child after you're married. You can conceive on the first try or try for years. You can have miscarriages. The whole process of having or not having children can be emotional, painful, difficult and overall (and most importantly) personal. I understand that in the eyes of a laced-up society I have now been given permission to conceive, but that doesn't mean I'm comfortable having the subject constantly discussed. Do I seem shy? If I want to talk baby-making, I will.

3. My husband (woo) and I became really good at throwing dinner parties. Not sure if this is because we're married or because we bought a house or because I definitively gave up on trying to help with the cooking, but we've got a nice flow on. This point is a bit less informative and slightly more braggy. Sorry (not sorry).  But I always felt like we weren't quite hitting the mark and now we are totally on point. 

4. This has been a really hard lesson to learn, and I'm embarrassed about how long it took me to realize this, but I think it's important to pass this message on. Ladies for the love of God dry-clean your wedding dress ASAP. Don't wait, don't dawdle. The longer you wait, the more...pungent...the situation becomes. 

Raya in the Dominican enjoying a coconut <3

5. The most extraordinary thing about being married is that there is very little difference between five months before and five months after. We were very happy before we got married despite the stress of planning said wedding. Now we're very happy today, and I think only some of it has to do with our new puppy (she is incredibly cute). We may only be married for 5 months but we've been together for over six years, and we've spent that time learning how to not murder each other, and that's been a real value-add. 

I can live with the baby questions, the last-name shock and the smelly wedding dress. I can deal with cleaning up after a dinner party. What I wouldn't be able to handle, though, would be thinking that marriage would change us, solve our problems or somehow act as a miracle cure. Our issues are still ours, our love is still very present, and we continue to communicate as we always have - with passive-aggressive comments and petty low-blows. Kidding. It's actually probably with noodles and Simpsons quotes (far more effective). You don't need to understand us! We just have to understand each other :) 

Two Words: Homeless Youth

I want to take some time to discuss those two words in my title, and I'm going to start out with

YOUTH.

I, like a regular kid, had a tough time growing up. Teen years are confusing! All through high school I dealt with the issues of boys, self-esteem and a mother and father who just didn't understand. I think there was a period of time there where my parents were legitimately concerned that I was possessed. I have a feeling when they said "And who do you think you are?" they half expected me to answer with my demon name. Well, an exorcism never happened (that I can recall), and I made it out alive. In grade 11 we had a pretty big blowout about whether or not I could go to prom party, and in grade 12 I had bronchitis and missed a few weeks of school. I was the lead in the musical (humble brag) and taking a lot of AP courses, but luckily my director put in extra practices with me and my Chemistry teacher helped me study. I definitely had some tough times but those years shaped who I am today.

Now let's tackle that second word, 

HOMELESS.

I have no experience with homelessness. It is not a word that ever coincided with my childhood, with the exception of when I ran away to the Commons and lived at the rink house for about 5 hours. It's a really funny story now, and we laugh about it at family parties or when my parents think back to when my undeniable sass truly began. That's right, the closest my life has ever gotten to the atrocity that is homelessness is a cute joke. When you read about my years as a youth with the lens of homelessness, it's almost disgusting. I was worried about prom party when there are kids worrying about where to sleep. I had a teacher give me extra time to study when there are students who don't get to class because they have more important things to worry about, like when this round of couch-surfing will end, where they'll eat, if their mother or father have reappeared after weeks of absence. Honestly I can only imagine. I really do mean that. I can only imagine, because I was lucky enough to have spent my time worrying about my best friend making out with my crush and my parents enforcing an earlier curfew than my crew. My problems were so silly, and they are the only kind of problems that kids deserve to experience. I don't want to minimize my own, and all teens' experiences because they're certainly authentic while you're feeling them. But when I compare my in-hindsight-idyllic memories with those of a homeless youth in Saint John...there is such a sadness.

 

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And now, Safe Harbour, the Saint John transitional home for homeless youth, is closing its doors due to lack of funding, not even a year after opening. I've heard some grumblings about poor planning or unsustainable whatever, but you tell me what should have happened after gathering information telling us that at least 70 youths in Saint John are homeless. We have organizations with deep coffers claiming to support education and yet do not see the value in providing homing to teenagers. Each body in the beds of Safe Harbour is enrolled in some type of schooling, be it a GED program or a more traditional path. We have well-supported organizations that provide beds for teens IF they're pregnant or young mothers, or running from abuse. We have shelters for grown adults who need a warm place to stay, because it's the right thing to do. And we have Safe Harbour shutting down despite maintaining almost 100% capacity from two weeks after opening until this upcoming closing.


I'm not privy to the inner-workings of Rothesay and Saint John politics, but I'm still going to ignorantly comment on the situation. Rothesay, you damn fools. We spent, what, a cool million putting medians in on Hampton Road that pretty much everyone hates? We spent 2.5 million on a makeover for the rink where I ran away for five hours. Maybe it's just ridiculous to suggest that our pretty medians and our fancy rink are less important than putting roofs over the heads of homeless youth. But maybe, just maybe we could have built a two million dollar rink and just given Safe Harbour that little point five. Maybe when Rothesay Netherwood students hosted their annual fundraiser each year trying to get Rothesay more involved, people could have answered students' phone calls and pledged donations. Like I said, I am not privy to how this all goes down. All I think, all I know, is that Safe Harbour's doors should not be closing. We are failing our community, we are failing our youth, we are failing ourselves if we think it's enough to say "Oh no, what a pity", and carry on. Because there is a group of teens out there who are saying "Oh no, where will I be sleeping?", and we, as a community, have the ability to answer that question with "Safe Harbour" if we just pull together and find a way to make this happen.

To learn more about Safe Harbour, please check out this link: Safe Harbour SJ 

There's a link to donate at the bottom of the page. You know what to do.