Gettin' Wiggy With It

You wanna know how to start a blog post? Pose a question.

LOL see what I did there? AND THERE?!

Okay but fo serious, I went to a party about a month or so ago and had an absolute blast. Let me paint you a picture: A group of female human beings, sitting around on the floor consuming sangria and other various assortments of alcohol. Great music, good butt pillows (essential for floor-sitting), delicious pot luck food, and WIGS.

Back in university this wouldn't have been a shock at all, but it's so much fun, so refreshing, to have a silly and wild themed party now that my days at Memorial are over. And these wigs were awesome. We had pinks, blues, greens, purples. We had long 'dos, sassy bobs, curls and pin straight locks. You would think that this would have been the highlight of the night, but it wasn't.

When you're a guest of Kristin's, you smile with the shark. Period.

 My highlight was the amazing camaraderie I felt with this smattering of women, many of whom I'd never met. Women are taught both overtly and insidiously to hate other women. We are taught to compete, to measure ourselves not against our past or our future selves, but against other women. We are told that our success is subjective and subject to comparison at all times. It is not enough to be just one thing. We must be all things, but only in moderation. Any explosive display of talent, passion or intelligence must be tamped down. We must never forget that a large portion of our personal wealth is made up not of integrity, wisdom, and accomplishments but in a patriarchal construct of beauty and feminine ideal.

But that constant weight was not felt on this evening. Women I'd never met complimented me not on my wig (which was fabulous) but on my sense of humour. I swear I had the biggest smile. Another woman there was a fellow classically trained singer and after showing off some impressive chops, encountered nothing but happiness from her audience. Our hostess made a ridiculously delicious pulled pork and we raved. One girl simultaneously showed me her tattoos, baby niece, and love of Christmas, to my delight.

We talked about our education, careers and goals. We discussed travel, politics and family. Petty gossip was checked at the door. Girl hate had no place in this circle. It was pretty amazing. Unlike the costume parties of university and the dances in high school, there was no judgement.

I think I'm writing this post because we see a lot of negative media about young women. Articles depicting narcissism in the extreme, girls so shallow if they were a puddle they couldn't drown a newborn, women so self-absorbed they speak only in terms of makeup, hair and fashion. You know what? Maybe there are bunches of women like that out there. But I haven't encountered many. I see and meet and speak with women who have intense aspirations, who have dynamic personalities, who have insecurities stemming from culture and fear, who have intelligence based on education and experience.

...OR NOT.

We have dimensions. We have curved edges and sharp points. Parts of us shine bright while other parts are faded or torn. We are not perfect, but we are not boring. We are more than our Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. We exist in the real.


Wig Night was the kind of experience I wish for all women. Not the food and wine and synthetic hair (though that was great fun) but for that sense that we can move beyond the box of cultural expectations to enjoy and celebrate one another.

One could say that I was...wigging out. I hope to keep that wigged-out feeling the next time I find myself being sucked into negativity, self-doubt and girl hate. I'll walk around like I've got rainbow hair and a smile that won't quit.

Feminist Bride

Since getting engaged in the summer of 2014, I've been positively humbled by the amount of love that has been expressed for my fiancé and I. From squeals of delight over my ring (it's a great ring) and bridal showers to beautiful messages of happiness and promises to travel from all over the world for the big day. These sentiments have been the definite majority.

A sizeable minority, however, seem to have slipped into some archaic, revolting, baseless stereotypes.

 
 
Here's some crap I've heard:
"How'd you trick him into proposing?"
"So when are you due?"
"Are you going to try to lose weight for the wedding?"
"Better start training to be a wife"

And here are some of the lovely comments my fiancé has gotten:
"There's still time to run!"
"How'd she manage to pull that off?"
"Getting a ball and chain now eh?"
"Your life is over"
"Hope she can cook!"

Some of those were made in jest, and I've been told (just love being "told" how to act) to excuse that kind of behaviour. You know what? Those jokes aren't funny. I have a right to be appalled by those jokes. I have a right to be disgusted by people diminishing the very real, solid commitment my partner and I will be making to one another.

My partner proposed to me. It was beautiful and perfect and wonderful (and all sorts of other lovely adjectives) but it was not forced. He loves me, so he asked me to marry him. Why would anyone ever call that into question? We are equals in this relationship. We both made an intellectual, rational and emotional decision to spend our lives together. You can take those stupid and, frankly, mundane jokes and go to hell.

I deserve better. So do the other brilliant brides you encounter.

Also, he's the cook!

_________________________________________________________________________________

Commonly mistaken for a bridezilla, this is actually a mother-of-the-bride-asaurus

I wrote the above before I got married but never got around to posting it. As I'm sure you can tell I was full of piss and vinegar. I was just raging that while I was about to celebrate a pretty important day, such hateful, ignorant comments were intruding my bubble of happiness.

I'm on the other side of the wedding now, and reflecting back on the words that I wrote, I think I'M A DAMN GENIUS. I stand by it all. I love that fiery, intense part of my soul that bursts out onto the page. I embrace that part of myself because from it I find passion, determination and a backbone made of Valyrian steel (shout out to my fellow GOT fans).

....what?

ps: Winter is Coming

Advice for 15 year old Rachael, from 25 year old Rachael

      

Ten years' difference here
(left = now, right = then)
(hard to tell)

Sometimes people talk about how they “came into their own” in high school or university or grad school or their thirties or twenties or whatever. When people talk about me, it’s more about acknowledging that I’ve been the me that I am since I exited the womb. And it’s mostly true. I have, however, learned a few valuable lessons about life and about myself along the way that I sometimes wish I could tell my teenage me I started keeping a list of some pro-tips for my youthful self. Here they are: 

Advice for my high school self:

1. Acne – that shit is not temporary. I am now 25, still fighting the good fight. So try to find a solution a little earlier in life (Nivea cream works great for you/us).
2. The era of leggings is fast approaching; you only have to put up with jeans for a couple more years.
3. Your blonde hair is gorgeous, do not dye it dark brown. You don’t know this, but when you’re 17 you melt half of it off. Wasn’t a great move.
4. About boys – just keep doing what you’re doing. When you’re older you’ll realize you did everything for you and not them, and you will LOVE that about yourself.
5. Those other girls in your school? Turns out they are not bitches. Turns out girls aren’t all “bitches” the second we disagree with them. So weird.
6. Rachel McAdams was right – “fetch” really doesn’t ever become a thing.
7. Only one friend is ever going to call you Ray, so stop trying to make that happen.
8. Some of your teachers really are idiots, and that’s okay. You know who the good ones are.
9. High school actually DOES matter – don’t believe those people who said it doesn’t. Your current boss went to high school with you.
10. Are you ready for this? It’s going to blow you away: You’re not fat.
11. You are going to start identifying as a feminist very soon, congratulations. This makes you awesome.
12. You are going to meet three best friends in university. They are crazy. They are insane. They are wild. You LOVE them. They love you.
13. You’re engaged (holy shit right? Totally didn’t see this coming).
14. Don’t wait until fourth year university to buy a straightener. Good lord, what were you waiting for?
    
15. Your brothers are still buffoons (so are you).
16. You 100% cannot live without music, without singing. It’s okay boo. You gotta do you.
17. Elope! Just kidding...I think.
18. A lot of people belittle the emotions of teenage girls, but don’t ever diminish your own feelings.
19. That being said, whatever you’re worried about right now, I can promise you it’s going to be okay. We are doing just fine.
20. When people tell you it’s too soon to get a dog, ignore them. Our dog is the best decision we ever made.
21. That guy you’re currently hopelessly in love with? You get over it eventually. He ain’t the one.
22. Mom and Dad knew about all the parties. They are cooler than you give them credit for.
23. No one can take away your education, your professional successes, or your experiences. These are incorruptible, and when you start to tie your confidence to these instead of silly and subjective things like looks and likeability, you find out what genuine confidence really is. Then it, too, becomes incorruptible. 

Now I have to read over this advice, and wonder what my 35 year old self would be telling me right now. What am I stressing unnecessarily about? What insecurities am I toiling over that are 90% fictional? What am I going to carry with me? What’s going to matter in ten years? Are jeans making a comeback? Questions for another day.

Feminist Astrology

A Feminist Astrology 

Aries: You have the ability to move past the stereotypes placed on your gender to become someone unrestrained by expectations.

Taurus: Because there are moons and suns and stars, you exist. Therefore, strive to exist in a world you can actually live with. Can you live with a culture where women are synonymous with the lesser? No? Then change.

Gemini: You are a gem. It's in your name. Shine like one. Don't let the smut of prejudice, sexism, racism, ever tarnish your glow. You have the strength to be the brightness.

Cancer: Don't let yourself be a cancer to society. Stand up when you see something horrible happening. But first, foster the ability to determine what those horrible happenings are. Understand that cat-calling, harassment, unwanted touching, are horrible. First understand, then act for change.

Leo: You are a lion. You are powerful. You have the privilege of being king of the jungle. Understand that this is also a responsibility. Care for the creatures around you with grace and poise.

Virgo: Although you are associated with the Virgin, there is nothing wrong with a person experiencing their sexuality, regardless of gender. The Virgo's key phrase is "I serve". Serve not another person but your own goals. Serve society. 

Libra: When the scales of humanity are equal, when women and men have the same rights and opportunities, when justice is achieved, your work will be done. So get to work. 

Scorpio: Use your strength for the good of our poisoned culture. You are a creature of nature - use that nature to be the force for change.

Sagittarius: You are honest, so be honest with yourself. Are you satisfied with gender inequality? Are you content with the status quo of harassment and shame? Of course not. Be part of the change!

Capricorn: You have grit. You have that immeasurable quality that is part motivation, part determination, part sheer force of will. Harness that quality and aim it at the patriarchal system.

Aquarius: Water is incredible. It forges a path regardless of obstacles. It crumbles mountains and seeps into the earth and smashes through walls. Be water. Persevere. Conquer the obstacle of conforming to a predetermined mold of your gender. Smash through those walls.

Pisces: The salmon battles upstream for hundreds of miles to reach their destination. It is trying, difficult, and exhausting. Such is the battle that the Pisces faces when confronting sexism, hatred and ignorance. The salmon succeeds. So will you.