Poutine Diaries vol.1

On Wednesday I went out with a friend and while we were waiting for someone to get off work we went to Old Navy and did some shopping. Now, I typically shop at Value Village and I'm very hesitant to go into a store with pricetags over $20.00 so I headed straight to the sale rack, my only salvation. Lo and behold, I ended up finding three tank tops and two pairs of pants. It was a good day. Yesterday I spent most of the day in sweatpants and my Game of Thrones sweatshirt (Targaryen of course) but today I was heading into the office and decided I would whip out my new pair of blue and white striped pants (they're subtle, don't worry).

the stripes of my striped pants...

I was about to leave the apartment to walk to work when I happened to notice the foot long orange sticker running down the back of my leg screaming my size. HORROR. Total freakin' horror. And it wasn't the fact that it was a sticker. I'm 23 and I still occasionally wear stickers on my cheeks if they're sassy enough. It was that number, glaring at me, and it wasn't 0 or 2 or 4. If I do ever happen to be those sizes, I probably would wear the size sticker on my clothes, if I decided to wear clothes at all. It's like what Cristina Yang said to Izzie Stevens on Grey's Anatomy, after her underwear ad came out: "You're eight feet tall. Your boobs are perfect, your hair is down to there. If I were you I would just walk around naked all the time. I wouldn't have a job, I wouldn't have any skills. I wouldn't even know how to read. I would just be...naked".

3 hotties, 3 bodies

Izzie promptly replies that it's retouching, that it's not real. But there's no denying she's a stunner. What I always found strange about this scene is that Yang and Meredith Grey (who is there as well) are envious of Izzie when they're both beautiful tall twigs themselves, which begs the question: Do we ever stop envying someone else's assets?

I have goals in my life and I know I'm going to have to work really hard to get there. I want to be a mother, an advocate against sexual violence, a more educated woman. I never sit back and think of someone who has accomplished those things, and wish I could literally be them; I would never swap my brain or my personality out for anyone else's. If I had the chance to snag Mila Kunis' body though, you better believe I'd be on that. Maybe I'd keep my face, because I like my smile, but I'd love to rock a size 2.

I worry that my successes in education, volunteering and the work place are being measured against my physical appearance; that if I were standing beside a size 4 woman who had my exact resume and list of accomplishments, she would somehow be better than me. And if this fictional size 4 woman were standing next to a size 0 well then she'd be second place too. Is this true? I honestly don't know. Are men treated in a similar fashion?

I know that my boyfriend has told me several times about the treatment he receives based on whether or not he's wearing his business suit or his Montreal Canadiens hoodie (but now really, what was he expecting...(GO LEAFS)). He goes from "just one sec man" to "right this way sir". Are women who don't fit the media beauty mold permanently receiving the "just one sec man" attitude? I sure hope not.

I also think that we may have gotten it into our heads that if we just get to that perfect size we'll be happy and I feel reasonably certain that that's bullshit. I have some very tiny friends who are not just walking around naked, unable to read. They're still thinking about how they look and they still have ambitions and concerns for their future. Those tiny twig gals are maybe craving some bigger breasts or a plumper booty; those tall willowy females maybe wish they could lose a few inches...in height. The girls with curves for days maybe want to flatten out some bits. Bottom line is, I'm not sure we can manipulate our bodies into perfection.

Different but beautiful body types

Damn girl!

Someone once said to me that she'd rather be "skinny and sad than happy and fat". Do we put so much pressure on ourselves that we're okay with this idea? We need to allow ourselves to figure out what happiness means to us without size weighing so heavily (ha, get it?) on our minds. It's important to feel good about how you look but I'm guessing that may have more to do with accepting your own beauty and figuring out your ideal size for health purposes rather than trying to look like Mila Kunis (who knows, maybe she's not a fan of her smaller boobs or has daily battles with her hair).

I'm lucky to have a boyfriend who tells me that I'm gorgeous every day (and I think he believes it). I think I'd be even luckier if I could tell myself that. Maybe then I wouldn't feel an unnaturally large sense of relief at ripping that sticker off before anyone got a chance to see (note that I'm still not confident enough to post it in this blog). It's a work in progress friends.

Alcohol Clarification (oxymoron?)

Creepy, but still. 

Since I posted about the reality of sexual assault, I have been SO HAPPY to have people asking me "what if?" questions about various situations in which consent may seem a little more grey than black and white. This is why my blog exists. Like I said before: No shame in questions! Shame in actions! A lot of the questions have been about drinking and one-night stands and I thought that this topic deserved its own post. It can be a complicated issue and I think it's okay to acknowledge that. Sexual assault is not just committed by vicious men waiting to pounce! So, without further ado, here's my alcohol post.


Here's a very real situation: You are a dude and you're uptown drinking. You meet the hottest woman you've ever seen in your whole life (insert potential beer goggles here) and decide that you and she could make the sweetest love the world has ever known. You end up going home together, both tipsy on alcohol and maybe even life. You do it.

Here are the consequences: 
1. You wake up in the morning, look at her and think "I have found my future wife" and she looks at you and says "ugh I'm gonna have to go, you kind of sucked last night and then you cried afterwards and told me you love me..."
2. You wake up in the morning, look at her and think "I have found my future wife" and she looks at you and says "you rocked my world, let us never be parted again". Marriage, babies, die in each other's arms, etc. 
3. You both deeply regret it in the morning and refuse to make eye contact, vowing to never speak of it again
4. You regret the whole sloppy night but she's already talking about a relationship update on Facebook so you fake an emergency call from your mother and peel. 
5. She feels as though she has been sexually assaulted.

Shameless puppy snuggles

For options 1-4, you handle those your own way bro. You do what you need to do.






For option 5, things get serious. Here's why: If a woman is drunk she cannot legally give consent. If you are drunk as well this does not remove your responsibility. If you have a drunk hook-up and she feels as though she was assaulted, SHE WAS. If she says she was raped, SHE WAS. This is not the same as regretting the act (but for the record, even if she did regret it and claimed she was sexually assaulted, according to the law you are still guilty, because she could not LEGALLY give consent. It's not cool on her part, and false claims of sexual assault are very rare, but in the eyes of the law you are an offender). If I come home from work and my boyfriend is drunk after watching the Montreal Canadiens lose to the far superior Toronto Maple Leafs and I seduce him with my wiles and we have sex, have I sexually assaulted him? Not morally, because he totally wanted it. But legally, if the police happened to enter the room (awkward) during the act I would be arrested because he was drunk and could not consent. 

In the Steubenville case, one of the topics that came to light was alcohol and responsibility. (Underage girl gets drunk, passes out, and is sexually assaulted by at least two boys who then take photos and distribute them). The people in that nightmare of a city basically took the opposite stance of the law in terms of how they treated the parties involved. In the same breath that they were blaming the survivor for the assault because she drank to the point of unconsciousness, they were using drunkenness as an excuse for the aggressors. This is wrong. I don't mean morally wrong, which it obviously is, but it is legally wrong as well.

I think we can all agree that women should be allowed to get stupid-drunk, confess their love to the bouncer, eat a street-meat sausage that they dropped on the ground, and roll their ankles because they thought they could rock stilettos on cobblestones. While I don't necessarily applaud this behaviour, and I can't exactly say I would never do it (let's not rehash my frosh year at Memorial University). But does that mean she has no legal ground to stand on if she has been sexually assaulted? Of course not. If I had gone home to a stranger's apartment and been murdered, would we let my murderer walk because I basically asked to be stabbed? Of course not. Even if I was drunk, and was murdered by a drunk, he'd be arrested and convicted (hopefully) of murder. The same goes for assault of any kind, including sexual assault. 

I sure hope not...

ONE LAST NOTE: I promise this blog is almost over. You're in the home stretch! Congrats. Here's the number one reason why people should not commit sexual assault: IT'S WRONG. Not because you could get caught, not because it could make you look bad, not because you could be convicted for it. Because it is wrong. It is wrong to sexually assault someone from a moral standpoint. If we had no laws and no prisons and no judges, it would still be wrong. 

My Emotions Do Not Replace My Intelligence; They Fuel It.

"If you choose to use your status and influence to raise your voice on behalf of those who have no voice; if you choose to identify not only with the powerful, but with the powerless; if you retain the ability to imagine yourself into the lives of those who do not have your advantages, then it will not only be your proud families who celebrate your existence, but thousands and millions of people whose reality you have helped change. We do not need magic to change the world, we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already: we have the power to imagine better."
-J.K.Rowling

(except I actually enjoyed Twilight: confession time)

Rowling you beautiful woman, that's what I'm trying to do. As you can tell from the title of this blog, and my very first post, I have been allotted several privileges in my life. I feel a moral obligation to use my luck in life to help others, to be a support when there may be none. I completed my Sexual Assault Response Team training this weekend, and when we were talking about defining what an advocate is (in reference to being in the hospital with a survivor of sexual assault), all I could think of was a shield. I am a strong person, I was gifted my strength from who knows where but I am a strong person. If I can throw myself in front of a bus for someone (and when I say bus, I mean: hateful, ignorant, blaming, minimizing statements and actions) then I will do so without hesitation every single time. Just ask my brothers: if they were in a fight with my parents growing up, I would run down from my room to defend them every single time, and most times end up taking the heat myself. One of my childhood best buddies was a bully in elementary school and I used to jump in front of his victims. It’s a part of who I am and while some people dismiss me as “emotional” or “dramatic”, I love that part of me (also, FYI my emotions do not replace my intelligence; they fuel it). Say what you will, but I have never regretted getting burned while protecting someone else from the fire.

Best tea ever (you're welcome M.M.)

I know that this isn't everyone’s cup of tea, but I would urge you to find your own beverage of choice. If my thing is Earl Grey (shielding), maybe yours is Orange Pekoe (fundraising?) or Chamomile (education?) or Green (organization?). Yes, I know that metaphor went on too long, but it’s not like I gave you the David’s Tea list and it’s over now anyways so you can relax (with a cup of tea! Jokes).

Maybe not everyone feels this urge to somehow give back, to use their good fortune in life to help others. I would be curious to know why. It’s like that legendary commercial said, “nobody’s good at everything, but everybody’s good at something! (commercial here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ef5JUZ-lYEQ) Use your talent for some good! It doesn't matter if you love baking, music, math (what?), running, etc, it can be used for GOOD.

Not goodness eh? Are you sure? You could be great you know, it’s all here, in your head. And goodness will help you on the way to greatness, there’s no doubt about that! No? Well if you’re sure…better be…GRYFFINDOR! (please substitute goodness for Slytherin and you have Harry being sorted from the first movie…I couldn't resist). 

For proof, 3:55 =https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQZFWA2KDbw

Oh B(r)other

I wanted to put a photo of Winnie the Pooh here, but since I know absolutely nothing about copyright and whatnot, I thought I'd just put a link here of a gif instead:
http://birkinsandbaseball.tumblr.com/post/31448252541/this-is-like-my-favorite-thing-ever

Brothers. They are baffling beings. This whole blog came about because I was talking to my younger brother about sexual assault and rape and sexism and feminism and he looked at me and said "Dude, I don't want to talk about this while we're doing the dishes." At first I was really upset but after thinking about it I realized that his thing is sailing. MY thing is sexism and sexual assault. My older brother's thing is...insurance?  dogs? (time to do some elder brother research). While I'd love to chat about those subjects with them, I can see how bothered I would get if the talk was constant. This way, if my brothers (or anyone) get into a feministy mood and want to know what's going on in my head, they can just take a gander to this blog and find this post where I talk about them (hi boys!). 

Since I'm not sure they'd want to have their faces on this blog
I've added us in puppy form. 

My younger brother did end up talking with me about sexual assault when we weren't washing & drying. I asked him, if he didn't want to hear about sexual assault in that moment then when would he? And he replied that he would listen at a conference, or in school. I asked him if he would ever attend a conference for men about sexual assault, and he said "no". Then I asked him what he was taught in school about rape and he said  "don't do it, obviously". 

Let me ask you a question: Did it work when our parents told us not to do drugs, not to have sex, not to smoke, not to break curfew and not to steal penny candy (I can't be the only one who snagged a fuzzy peach from Bulk Barn)? Most of the people I know have done most of those things (though maybe I'm just hanging out with the wrong crowd). There needs to be open dialogue so that young men and women can ask questions. There's no shame in asking "if a girl said yes but then passed out, is that rape?". There IS shame in raping an unconscious woman. But if that question is never answered, I honestly think some men may not know that that situation is rape. If someone is too drunk they can't legally consent. If they change their mind halfway through sex and decide they don't want to, but the guy continues, that is rape. If they consent to act A that does not mean they have consented to act B. "Yes" only means yes ONCE; you have not received consent for all future sexual encounters. If men can't ask the questions because of the word "rape" being so taboo then how will they effectively learn to respect women?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that all men disrespect women. Using that kind of language and stereotyping is sexism too, and I'm not a fan of sexism against women OR men. All I'm suggesting is an open dialogue in schools, work places, among friends and in families. The definition of rape is not just dragging a stranger into a dark alley or putting a weapon to their necks. There are less movie-like scenarios that still qualify as sexual assault. 


One last note about sexual assault; it's about power and control. Try to keep that in mind when considering any situation you may find yourself in, or hear about. If you aren't sure if what has happened is sexual assault or not, do some research. Ask someone at the Sexual Assault Response Team. I'm talking to women and men here: the more questions we all ask, the better informed we will all be. 

Frustration!

Just found this on 9gag.com

It is photos and ideas like this that give female feminists a bad name. Maybe there are some women out there who feel this way, but this is not the majority! Feminist women want equal rights and opportunities. We do not want more. Feminists marry men, love their sons, admire their fathers, put up with their brothers (again, if you know my brothers...) and enjoy their guy friends. I'm a feminist and I'm completely in love with my boyfriend. One of the best things about him is how much he respects me and how angry he would be if I was denied my dream because I'm a woman (also he can make cheesecake). My mom stuck me in figure skating for a year before I went to my parents and said "Okay I did this your way, I wanna play hockey!" and my dad presented me with my very own pair of hockey skates and a Jill (female version of a jockstrap = incredibly necessary). 

My favorite teacher and supporter in high school was a man. Someday I may have a son, and I would never favor my daughter over him. I will do my very best to treat them equally and raise them to respect their own sex and the opposite sex. Parents are worried about their children being bullied and their daughters being sexually assaulted. What would the world be like right now if parents were more concerned about their children not being bullies and rapists and aggressors? Feminists would love to be made irrelevant. 

Final bone to pick with this silly little image: Men can be feminists too! This photo sort implies that only women are feminists.
THERE IS NOTHING MORE AWESOME THAN A FEMINIST MAN! 

Unorganized but Heartfelt!

A friend of mine found this gif the other day and thought of me. Should I be flattered or insulted? I vote flattered. I feel this way a good 80% of the time.
http://i.imgur.com/jRPEz4w.gif

I volunteer on the Sexual Assault Crisis Hotline with the Newfoundland Sexual Assault Crisis and Prevention Centre, and after next weekend I'll have completed the training to work on the Sexual Assault Response Team in Saint John. I also run a leadership project for young women called Engaging Girls & Young Women in Leadership Roles, out of the Saint John Volunteer Centre. As a part of my psychology degree I researched domestic violence, rape culture and victim blaming. Needless to say, a lot of my life is taken up by thoughts on what the hell is going on out there in the world, and why. It's the "why" of it all that I can't answer. Every newspaper can give you the details on the "what" of a sexual assault, but when we try and figure out why four boys would gang rape an unconscious girl at a party, a lot of the time we're coming up with blanks.

Take this article for example: http://www.brandonsun.com/breaking-news/rape-victim-inviting-so-no-jail--rape-victim-inviting-so-no-jail-116801578.html?viewAllComments=y, where a judge gives the rapist no jail time because "sex was in the air" and he was just a "clumsy Don Juan". I can't understand how a judge (or anyone) can lay blame on the victim. They talk about her lack of bra that evening (I never realized that was asking to be assaulted; ladies, take note) and about her implying skinny dipping (again, if you're naked you must want sex, so keep your vagina at home when you go out), while the rapist's actions are deemed "inconsiderate behaviour". How good of the judge to note that it is inconsiderate to have sex with someone without consent. If you don't see what's wrong with this article, I would encourage you to do some research and figure out why this type of victim blaming is adding to what we feminists like to call rape culture (something I will definitely be blogging about).

A fluffy puppy to accompany this not-so-fluffy topic

Just some facts, so that we're all on the same page. According to this government document: http://www.statcan.gc.ca/pub/85f0033m/85f0033m2008019-eng.pdf, 

• 82% of victims (or survivors) knew their attackers. READ: This means that the guy you sort of know who is offering to walk you home may be your rapist and the man in the park alone may not be. 
• Most sexual attacks occur in the victim's home. READ: This means that you may be safer sleeping at a bus stop than sleeping in your home with your husband, boyfriend, brother, or father. After all, if most assaults occur in the home, and most attackers are people that you know...
• 93% of sexual assaults result in no physical injury. READ: This means that you can be sexually assaulted without being beaten, and in fact it is incredibly likely to be the case. Women actually have instincts that can kick in during sexual assault to prevent themselves from further injury, like freezing. And no, I do not mean that “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down" - Todd Akin, on whether or not rape victims can be impregnated by their rapists. He's a classy guy.

I am NOT condoning walking alone at night down a dark alley. That being said, I'm not crapping on it either. I've always thought that women should be allowed to walk down the street naked and completely hammered and the worst thing that would happen to them is an arrest for disturbing the peace or indecent exposure or whatever. They are NOT asking to be assaulted. I also think this applies to men, but if any of you know my brothers than you know they fully exercise this right more often that a sister would hope.

I'm trying to show you all (whoever you may be) that this ideal victim our society has created is not realistic. Victims of sexual assault are not just sober virgins attacked by strangers. Victims of sexual assault are married to their aggressors and sleeping in fear every night. They are blackout drunk girls being assaulted behind closed doors at parties. They are nieces terrified to spend another weekend with their uncle. And yes, they are also sober virgins attacked by strangers. If you find yourself sitting in a room with 5 women, please realize that at least one woman present has been sexually assaulted. It does not happen to other women, in other provinces, to other families, in other schools. There is no OTHER. There is OUR. Our women, our provinces, our families, our schools. Please, remember.
http://gifs-for-the-masses.tumblr.com/post/22337268049 

LosersSayWhat

I'm just a small-town girl, living in a lonely world.

Except that's not entirely true (it's just a great tune). I am what this blog implies: a slightly privileged, slightly spoiled, slightly idealistic, maybe even slightly naive (you tell me) girl from a two-parent family with a university education, who won the proverbial genetic lottery on race but lost on sex (re: white girl). I graduated without debt, got a fantastic job two days into my job search, and I have been told my entire life that the world is my oyster. Tragically, I'm allergic to shellfish. 

I am a feminist, but I have learned that there are many kinds of feminisms. I do not hate men, I do not burn bras, I do not NOT shave my legs (unless we're talking winter season, in which case we all have our hairy moments; admit it). I am an equalitarian at heart, which my dictionary is telling me isn't technically a word. I just want everyone to be on equal footing, and here's where that naivety I talked about may show. I happened to choose sexism as my battlefront but I applaud, support and encourage everyone fighting against racism, homophobia, and oppression generally.

Besides being a feminist, I am also a dogist. Look at that, another word that's not real. I am totally in love with my dog and I'm that stranger on the streets who will ask to pet everything from those tiny pomeranians to the vicious-looking (but soft-hearted!) pit bulls. My puppy is Dani and she's named after Daenerys Targaryen (Game of Thrones!), who is also blonde and awesome.

I have two brothers who continually challenge my perceptions and force me to think of their points of view on everything from sexual assault to familial obligations. I have a boyfriend who supports my endeavours and gently tells me to shut up when I've spent a whole day being angry and ranting about the Steubenville case or other injustices. I have two parents who sometimes think I'm insane (don't all parents think that at some point though?) but generally accept me for who I am. And I get by with a little help from my friends (Beatles, anyone?). 

This blog could go anywhere. It could end up extremely offensive to some, it could end up being a guide to the best cookies in Saint John. I'm not sure who will read this; in fact I contemplated naming this blog: noonemayeverreadthis, before settling on my status in the world, which may be a no-one as well. Cheers.