Sex Advice From A Drunk Feminist!

There are some bases to cover before you read this post.

a) I'm buzzed
b) I'm sick (flu=sadness!)
c) I'm sleepy

The result is, as you may suspect, a buzzed sick sleepy girl. Crazy, I know.
So, yes.
Yes, a drunk post/rant. Or rant/post? Let the people decide.

I want to break down some copulation myths. Some sexual unicorns if you will (unless you believe in unicorns, in which case: a) dude I wish, and b) please select a mythical creature of your own choosing). I'm gonna give it to you as straight as I can. Let's say I'm trying to be the opposite of Cosmopolitan. Instead of all sorts of tips on how to get a guy to cum (like seriously? Most girls need tips on how to get the guy NOT to blow his load right away), I'm going to chat about how to get a girl to achieve orgasm!
LET'S DO THIS.

1. Not all girls get turned on in the same way. 
I know this is tragic, but if you've mastered one girl's "buttons" you have not figured out womankind. Some girls are just not into breast fondling. Some girls like anal fun. Some girls laugh when you seductively kiss their neck. Some girls enjoy a possessive ass grab. There's some quote out there about unique snowflakes - think of every vagina as a snowflake? Sure. Here are some tips to figuring out what your lady friend wants.
a) Ask. Really now gents, sometimes a sexily placed "tell me what you want guuuuuuuurl" can make all the difference.
b) Pay attention. If she's moaning when you rub her neck and then laughing when you rub her ass - that should tell you something. Now, I'm not saying you can't touch her ass, but please realize it's for you and not her.

2. Wetness is not a solid indicator of arousal.
Again, shocker for some of  y'all. But there is so much that gets in the way of natural vaginal lubrication. Nerves, stress, anxiety - all of that can make a girl a little less slippery than usual. Some ladies out there just have trouble no matter how ready they are for penetration. Some girls need more time in the foreplay stage than others. If you're mechanical, please feel free to think of us as lawnmowers. Some require a few more cranks than others! Some may need to be oiled up (read: buy some frigging lube). Others are revving to go. A few need to be flipped over. Some need tongue (yes, I'm aware I dropped the metaphor). My solution here:
a) Buy lube. Honestly, it will change your life. Try to remember it's for the vadge and not the package.
b) Give her a little more foreplay. We love that you guys can pop a boner if we throw a thigh squeeze or suggestive comment your way. Unfortunately, lady parts don't have the same BOING  reaction process. I recommend: fingers! mouth! sex toys! Speaking of sex toys...

3. Girls like battery operated pleasure sticks.
Don't force it on your woman partner. But mention it. Let her know you're open to it. Let her know you're down with the vibrating town. Be open to her bringing it into your sex life. She may already have a secret silicone friend she's been hankering to introduce to you. Don't freak out if she brings it up (Ladies: don't hesitate to ask if you want to introduce your toy to your boy). If you care about her orgasm, it's at least worth a conversation. Some girls don't want one, but some girls DO.

4. Please try and remember that our sex drives run independently from yours.
And by this I mean pressing your boner into someone is not going to make them drop to their knees and worship your crotch. Sure, it may happen sometimes but don't come to expect it. We are not at the mercy of your cock! Give us a frigging chance to initiate. We have sex drives too. As a commenter said on my last post, the only thing girls want in return for sex...is sex. So let us initiate...which means tone down the boner hugs.

5.  One word: Clitoris.

If you haven't learned this yet..well, then I would guess you've never given a girl an orgasm. I'm sorry but I'm probably right. Now let's further explore this beautiful, beautiful subject together. The clitoris is the only organ whose sole purpose is sexual pleasure. Its only job is to get girls off. It has more nerve endings than the whole penis, and, unless you've got a very unique clitoris, it's a lot smaller. Which means all those delicious nerves are all bundled together into the happiest place in the world: orgasm land. BUT what this means is that it's incredibly sensitive. If you put pressure directly on it, it can be an almost-painful experience. If you push too hard, you can make a girl cry from pain, not pleasure (bit of a downer, that is). My tips for the clit: clittips lolz
a) Approach the clitoris from the top (fingers) or bottom (tongue). It has a little hood - start by focusing there and then work your way to a more central approach. For the love of God don't poke it. Stabbing motions are NOT appreciated.
b) There is no shame in having your gal touch herself. She knows just what to do and it's enhancing whatever your fingers or penis are up to.Plus if you're paying attention you can learn from her.

Final note: COMMUNICATE. Doesn't matter if it's a one night stand, a relationship or a magical Zoolander-like orgy. Communication is key! 

That's all I've got for tonight. There's lots of tips out there I'm sure, but these are some complaints I've heard from my friends and their friends. I'm just looking out for the sore clits and over-fondled breasts and lonely vibrators. I'm basically a heroine. If I became a superhero, that could be my slogan. Justice for clits and tits <3

Sexual vs. Sexualized

I was reading an article this morning about a subject I want to elaborate on. The article was talking about CW's new TV show called Reign, which aired October 16th. Leading up to the premiere, there was some debate about a scene that may need to be cut because of how racy it was. I'll describe the scene to you, and you can guess which part they considered axing.

A group of young ladies (literally ladies of ye English tymes) spy on a bedding ceremony, where a whole audience watched the newlyweds going at it so that there is proof of consummation (penis in vagina). One of the ladies gets turned on and sneaks off to touch herself, as women are wont to do once aroused. The king, upon finding her there, then uses the most cheesy of lines, something like "need a hand?" and then they proceed to go at it too.

SCENE.

So what do you think they had to take out? The part where a whole audience watches a couple have sex? The part where a grown man seduces a young teenage girl? Or the part where it is implied that a chick masturbates?

You guessed it folks, they pulled the clitoral stimulation. Why is it more scandalous for a woman to touch herself than for a hundred people to watch a man deflower his bride?

So that got me thinking about a woman being sexual, instead of simply being sexualized. It seems to me like women can't turn themselves on, can't get rowdy of their own accord, without it being viewed as vulgar. A man needs to be the one doing the stimulation in order for any sexual desire to be considered appropriate. Even in this scene, a man interrupts and helps her...finish.

Women are often shown using sex as a weapon or a tool for manipulation. Comments like "If you don't do this....then no sex for you!" pop up in practically every TV show on earth. That kind of thinking detracts from the concept that women want sex for their own gratification. It implies that a woman could keep her legs closed forever if she doesn't get what she wants. It's saying that sex is for the man and the resultant good behaviour or completed house chores are for the woman.

The reality is, girls like sex. They like touching themselves while thinking about sex. They like watching porn. They enjoy a good orgasm. They get turned on when they watch a hot sex scene. None of this makes us dirty, or whoreish, or any of the other words that are slung our way when we show some sexual assertiveness. We are sexual beings! We are not sexual objects! One of those is inanimate, and while I'm not here to judge your sexual proclivities, if you want an object and not a woman, please purchase a blow-up doll. I've heard that they can be incredibly realistic.

I couldn't use sex as a tool for manipulation, because I enjoy sex. Which means I want sex. Which means I wouldn't stop having it if the squeaky door wasn't fixed or if dinner with my parents didn't go well or whatever other reason Monica held out on Chandler and Penny held out on Leonard and Lily held out on Marshall. Bottom line is, women are allowed to be sexual in their own right. Female masturbation is not dirty. You're not a slut for touching yourself. You have the power to make yourself orgasm and you don't need someone to "lend a hand" or give you permission. You can watch porn or read erotica or close your eyes and think of whoever you want. We may spend a lot of our lives being sexualized; therefore I would ask that you embrace the opportunity to be sexual.

Giving Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Let's give thanks.

 

Let's give thanks for the fact that when we did stupid shit when we were younger, no one print screened it and then ruined our lives by sending it to our friends and family. Amanda Todd flashed a guy on webcam and someone sent the photo to her entire school, over and over again until she attempted suicide. After that, people made fun of her for being too stupid to kill herself. The second time, she succeeded.







Let's give thanks for not being gang raped and then bullied for two years, reaching a point where we didn't see any way other way out except to take our own lives. Rehtaeh Parsons was sexually assaulted at a party. It was photographed, circulated, and she suffered at the hands of her aggressors and her entire community for years until she couldn't handle it, and committed suicide.

    

Let's give thanks that when we drank too much at a party and passed out upstairs, people we considered friends didn't come into the room, undress us, sexually assault us and write all over our unconscious bodies with marker, then circulate the photos and have the whole school treat us like dirt until we committed suicide. Audrie Pott suffered through this situation and in the end, ended her own life as well. Even after her death, her aggressors considered what they had done to her as a prank, nothing more.

Let's give thanks that we are not Amanda, Rehtaeh or Audrie. But wait. How do I know that some of you aren't suffering through some version of their Hells right now? How do you know that someone you love isn't dealing with this horror as you read this? We can't.


So let's give thanks that maybe there's a chance that we can be the person who prevents someone from killing themselves. Let's give thanks that if we change our behaviour, others may do the same. Let's give thanks for having hope that rape culture may come to an end. Let's give thanks for having the capacity to care and to love and to fight inequality.

Let's give thanks.

Downton Rape Rant

Hello my sauciest of chicken wings,
Today my post shall be about Downton Abbey, and not just how amazing it is and how much I wish I lived it (until I remember the oppression, the fact that women couldn't inherit or make decisions or elevate their status of their own accord - MY we have come a long way!).

SPOILER ALERT THIS IS ABOUT SEASON FOUR.

So the last episode..it had rape. A definite fan favorite, Anna (the sweet, innocent, Bates-loving maid with the heart of gold) is attacked by a visiting fellow's butler. He beats her, drags her into a side room by her hair and rapes her while the rest of the household is watching a concert. No one hears her screams. Later, when Mrs. Hughes finds her and tries to get help or call the doctor, Anna begs her not to. She's worried her husband would kill the man and she'd lose him forever (jail, hanging, etc). She has Mrs. Hughes promise not to tell another soul. It is an absolutely heart-wrenching scene. She's disheveled, her clothes are torn, her face is bruised and bleeding and her perfectly coiffed hair has been pulled out. But the thing that makes it really sad is how broken Anna seems. It's the look on her face, not the bruises, that break your heart. It's the sobs rocking her body, and not the torn clothes on it, that make you want to reach into the screen and literally murder her attacker (no joke, Julian Fellowes - he's got to die).

In terms of the season, this will obviously be a pivotal moment and we'll be spending every episode from here on out waiting for that main to be killed/castrated. But what really surprised me is the amount of uproar over the rape from fans. People have likened it to a murder happening on the Teletubbies. They've said they don't tune in to the show to watch this kind of stuff. That Downton Abbey is more wholesome and viewers shouldn't have to see rape. They've said that for the writers to portray violence against women is morally reprehensible. Fans are threatening to boycott the show.

At this stage of the post, I'd like to do a little recap. This "family show" has portrayed: famine, adultery, war, disease, death from childbirth, death from car accidents, homophobia and moving dead bodies around in the middle of the night. I'm pretty sure that racism is going to come into play in the next episode too, considering they're adding their very first black cast member. But now that the rape card is being played, all of the sudden the writers have gone too far? It's a period drama. Are fans insinuating that rape didn't happen in that century? Do they think that maids weren't abused? Do they think maids aren't still abused? Do they think women haven't been dealing with sexual assault for the entirety of our existence? Is sexual assault so taboo in their heads that they can watch a woman seize herself to death in the arms of her family, but Anna being sexually assaulted is morally wrong to show?

Why are people trying to ignore rape? Is it easier to pretend it's not happening? Do you think that makes it go away? Do you think that means it won't happen to you or to the people you love? Get real. If you're so disgusted and horrified to see this on tv, then start fighting against sexual assault in the real world. Don't just turn your head and ignore what's happening every single day.

Downton Abbey also did a great job of showing how traumatizing sexual assault is. I have a feeling that Anna isn't just going to move on with her life. We're going to see her struggle with intimacy, anger, guilt, and pain. People need to see this. People need to understand how devastating rape is for a woman (or a man). Even George R.R. Martin (Game of Thrones) doesn't have his main female characters brutally raped (yet?), despite the fact that several side characters and faceless women in his novels are raped, murdered and considered the spoils of war. Don't get me wrong, that scene killed me to watch. I wish it hadn't happened to our favorite little Anna. But I'm glad that they're showing sexual assault for what it is. Anna was in a home she felt safe in, which is where most sexual assaults occur. Her aggressor was a man that she was already acquainted with, which is also the majority of cases.  She tried to hide the assault after the fact, worried about the fallout. None of this has changed over the years since Downton Abbey takes place.

If watching what happened to Anna was so hard, start fighting for the girls who go through that every day. After all, Anna is played by an actress. She goes home at the end of the day wearing jeans. She washes off the bruise makeup and is applauded for her acting abilities during that scene. The hundreds of thousands of women who have been and will be sexually assaulted do not have that option.

Calm Your Tits

Sometimes, when I'm talking about rape culture and sexual assault, people tell me to calm down. My response is pretty standard: no. Why on earth would I calm down? What is "calm" going to do for me? Is it going to get my message out? Is it going to keep me going when I face an obstacle? Is it going to ensure that people understand that blaming the victim is wrong? No. Because when people say "calm down" what they're actually saying is "shut up", or "we've heard enough", or "this subject is too gory, no one should be talking about it". If you don't think people should be talking about it, then why
would it be okay for people to do it?

The facts are that sexual assault is rampant in our society, and that shaming the victims into silence and forming a cycle of abuse through our current culture is the standard. An abused female child is likely to end up an abused woman, and will stand by while her children, in turn are abused. It's all she's ever known. An abused male child is likely to end up as an abuser, to both his partner and children. It's all he's ever known. Often, because of socioeconomic reasons, drugs and alcohol are turned to as it is easier to deal with the atrocities they've faced when it's clouded by self-medication. How can people like this break the cycle when the subject is taboo, when the majority are remaining actively ignorant, when the standard response is "calm down"?

Saint John has been experiencing some horrors. We've had convicted sexual predators released into our community. That may seem scary, and it is, but let me say this again for the record: 84% of the aggressors of sexual assault are people that the victim is friends/family with. It's not the man with the tattoos over his face that is the main concern. Women in Saint John are sleeping beside their abusers, were raised by their abusers, were cornered by their abusers at a party. You see that tattooed man coming for you. What you do not see is the best friend, brother, father, husband. And you're telling me to calm down?

We'll spend years recovering from Donnie Snook. That man targeted children and systematically destroyed their belief that they would be believed, that they were loved, that they held any value. He is a monster and honestly if he died in prison, a part of me would be celebrating. Hell, the majority of me would be. The majority of you probably would be too. But when we read the papers, see the reports, hear the stories, we find that attempts at contacting the police were made as early as 2007. We see that people had suspicions, but thought that they would not be taken seriously. We see a socioeconomic group of people who predators view as prey. And you're telling me to calm down?

In the Telegraph Journal last week there was an article about a 13 year old girl who was convinced by a pedophile to send him some naked photos. He, in turn, sent them to her sister, who reported this to the police. This story has a happy ending, but a very gory middle. It involves sexual assault, sexual harassment, child pornography, coercion and manipulation. But, a happy ending. My question is: how many young girls in our city and surrounding areas have print-screen shots out there? How many of them are sitting at home, praying their parents, friends, teachers, don't see their mistake. Amanda Todd committed suicide after photos circulated of her. Rehtaeh Parsons committed suicide two years after being gang-raped and having photos of the event circulated of her. Audrie Pott committed suicide after being sexually assaulted and photos of her naked and covered in marker circulated of her. This could happen to you, your daughter, your friend. And you're telling me to calm down?

Well, fuck that. I will not calm down. And neither should you.