Seeing as how a lot of my topics are painful, emotional and difficult, I thought that a post here and there with some levity would be appropriate. I'm all about consensual sex, and when it's consensual some funny shit can go down. So I have been gathering some stories from my friends and whatnot. I'm going to leave them all anonymous with pseudonyms as names, but I thought after reading about all the sadness some happiness was well in order. Who knows, maybe one of these stories is about me.
1. A friend of mine was staying at her boyfriend's house for the weekend while his parents were away. They decided to sleep in the master bedroom, which they'd never done before, and hence used the master bathroom. So my friend was getting ready for bed (going pee, brushing her teeth, washing her face, etc.) and decides she's going to give her boyfriend a blow job before bed. As she's going down on him though, he starts to lose his hard-on...and the more she tries to get it back, the softer he gets. Finally she says "what the hell is going on?" and he says "I have no idea! Why don't you tell me? I can't even feel my dick anymore". So they're both sitting there all confused and he goes to the washroom to wash himself off when he finds the open tube of toothpaste she had used to brush her teeth. Only it wasn't toothpaste...it was RUB A535. The effects lasted for a week, poor fella.
2. Two of my friends had been dating for a few weeks and were reaching that point in the relationship where it's time to do it. They were out at the bar with a few friends and both of them knew that tonight was the night, so they had a couple drinks and took off. They come back to her apartment and things are heating up. He takes off her pants but trouble starts to arise when they try to take off his. In this day and age when men have tighter jeans than women, we're running into these types of issues. So finally he lies on the bed and she grabs the bottoms and starts yanking while he's wiggling his hips in an effort to help. After a few good tugs, his pants come loose and literally fly off...not only does she fall back into the wall but she punches herself in the face and ends up spending the next twenty minutes trying to stop her nosebleed. And who says romance is dead?
3. My friend and her casual fuck buddy hadn't seen each other for a little while and so when they finally got their hands on each other again things were going at warp speed. They were making out on the counter in the kitchen but had to quickly move to the bedroom because she kept banging her head on the hanging lights. They attempted some foreplay but were both just way too eager to get to the real thing so they just started boning. About two minutes into it though, he goes soft and she's thinking "well, Jesus. I know it's been a month but that's just funny"...but then she looks down and sees blood.
Thought 1: oh shit I started my period on a dick.
Thought 2: why does he look like he's in pain and not just grossed out?
Thought 3: oh my god that blood is not mine
Thought 4: I BROKE A MAN'S PENIS
And thus with one foul thrust the weekend went from one full of sex to one full of babying a poor man and his poor foreskin.
Word of caution: always warm up your gal.
4. A friend of mine and his girlfriend were celebrating their anniversary, and they decided to go to dinner, pick up a few fun desserts at the grocery store and then head home for a night of whipped cream, chocolate syrup and other sexual edibles. At the dinner, they have a few drinks and end up getting each other super horny, all giddied up on the anniversary and the promise of the anniversary sexy times. By the time they get to the grocery store they can barely keep their hands off of each other, so they decide to get risque and fuck in the grocery store washroom. They find it near the checkout lines, and discover it's occupied, so they wait. They're riding their buzz and giggling when 2 minutes goes by. Then 5 minutes. Then 10 minutes. Just as their buzz is dying, the door opens and a massive man comes out, sweat pouring down his face and onto his cheetos-stained t-shirt, followed by a waft of the most indescribable stench the two of them had ever encountered. The guy just looks at them, grunts "s'all yours" and shuffles off to the candy aisle. If that's not the definition of buzz-kill, I don't know what is. Needless to say, they waited for the safety of their own home.
That's all I've got for now. I'm sure more will follow in the future. For the record, I asked all of my buddies for permission before posting, so if you're out there and I know your silly sex story and you're worried, don't be! The worst I'll do is ask :)
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