Teases and the Friendzone

Isn't this just a nice thing to do?

There's been a huge influx of friendzone posts, memes and comments out there on the internets, and the more I see them, the more bothered I become. For the purposes of this discussion I'm going to say that the person being sent to the friendzone is a man and the person friendzoning is the woman, as seems to be the majority of complaints. 
The friendzone is where a girl "puts" a guy when she doesn't want to date him. I went to www.urbandictionary.com to look up the definition for all the lovelies reading this, and I found a hilarious mix of posts. 

1. The seventh level of Hell, where despite all and any efforts to the contrary, no member of the opposite sex will ever see you as anything more than conversation.
2. It's the point when a girl decides that you're her friend, you're no longer a dating option. You become this complete non-sexual entity in her eyes, like a brother, or a lamp.
3. The perennial location for nice guys everywhere. 

They're in the friendzone for a reason...

Now I can see how it may feel like the seventh level of Hell when you want to bone someone and they don't want to accept your bone (so to speak). I can see how you may feel like a brother or a lamp when she says "you're great, but I'm just not feeling it; friends?". But this last one, come on. Buck the eff up gents. Plenty of nice guys have girlfriends. There's not a group of nice guys all huddled together pining after their lost loves while the girls date cheating alcoholic ass holes. I'm sure that situation does take place, but is she supposed to lust after your penis just because you're nice? I don't think so. There's this little thing called sexual attraction, and if it's not there then it's just not there. So when a girl says "I'm not feeling it" or "Can we just be friends?" I think a lot of the time it translates to "I am not attracted to you". It may suck to hear, but that's just the truth. And it happens to girls too, we just don't sulk about it by saying the guy has put us in the friendzone. Actually what you hear about a lot is the guy sleeping with the girl anyways and afterwards letting her know he's not interested...so sweet. 


And let's take a second to define what this word "nice" means. Being a nice person does not mean doing nice things in exchange for sex. If you're only being nice to a girl so she'll sleep with you, here's a little news flash: YOU'RE NOT NICE. You're just a jerk. You can't be nice to a girl and then get mad when she doesn't put out! Sex isn't some gentle form of prostitution; women are not obligated to give you something in return for human decency, or even above-and-beyond kindness. Get your facts straight. 

It's pretty clear that a few feminists have found their way onto Urban Dictionary as well, because there were some other choice definitions for the friendzone:

1. The excuse a man gives for a woman rejecting him sexually/romantically when he expected payoff for being friendly.
2. A mythical place where misogynists go to when a woman doesn't want their penis.
   "I didn't expect her to have sex with me, so she should have had sex with me. I'm totally in the friendzone!"

It doesn't make a woman a tease to want to test out the waters before she dives in. That's how you break your neck, fools! It's not teasing to kiss a fella and then not proceed to submit to all his fantasies. There is no contract that says if you flirt with a guy all night, or all week, or all month you owe him your vag. Just because you invite a man into your life, or your house, or even your bed doesn't mean you've invited him into your lady parts. Gents, no woman is a sure thing until you are physically inside her. And even then, she has the right to stop things (it's not your divine right to finish). 

I know it must suck to be in the friendzone. I also think it's okay to be upset about being in the friendzone. But take a beat to think about why you're complaining. Is it because you genuinely liked a girl and wanted to date her, and she tossed you off the dating cliff and into the friendship lagoon or is it because you were nice to her for like twenty four hours or a week or something and then expected to get laid? One of those things just plain sucks, and one of those things makes you a douche bag. You figure out which is which...

Also, why is being in the friendzone so horrible? Being a girl's friend is a good thing; embrace it, don't hate it (y'all see these rhymes?!)

Last note: I think we've spent a long time misinterpreting the saying "Nice guys finish last". Maybe it's not about getting the girl, or the job, or the scholarship, or whatever. Maybe it's about good old fashioned sex, and trust me when I say you want a guy who lets you finish first. So nice guys out there, you just keep finishing last :)