Long Distance Relationships!

I am struggling with my long distance relationship. It's hard being apart, I have trouble keeping in touch and it can be really lonely. And no, I am not talking about the relationship with my boyfriend. He is as close to perfect as a dude can come. I'm talking about my friends. The problem with being my upper/middle class self is that my friends are spread out all over the world. They're not held in place by financial restrictions or obligations and so they've spread their well-feathered wings and flown off to regions unknown. And it blows.

I'm happy where I am ((physically) and also emotionally and all that crap), but I wish my friends were here. I've got a best friend in Australia, Saskatoon, Edmonton, Newfoundland, Ottawa, Ghana...and as happy as I am that they're living out their dreams and I would never begrudge them that, sometimes, in my most selfish of hearts, I wish they were all within a two minute walk.

It's hard not to make subtle hints every once in a while, during conversation, about them maybe moving a bit closer. They say "It's so cold here!" and I say "It's not too bad in Saint John! Now move here!". As you can see, my subtlety needs work. When one of my best friends actually did move here, I think I cried actual tears of joy. It's gotten to the point where I feel a tiny bit like a creepy spider sitting in the middle of my web, trying to reel in juicy flies.

So I've been giving it some thought, and I think I've come up with a few ways that may make long distance friendships a bit easier.


1. Talk about nothing.
Have you ever thought 'I should really get in touch with so-and-so' and you start an email to then and before you know it you've got an essay going on the past 6 months of your life. You send it, and then you get an identical one back a week later, and you tell yourself you'll answer it when you have more time and then it just sits there for the next 6 months? What makes my long distance relationship with my boyfriend work so well is that we never have to do a giant update because we already know the little things, because I send him a text along the lines of, "My office is so cold today I have the shared space heater hiding under my maxi dress" and he answers with "You're an idiot" (or something nicer than that). It's not a big thing, it's barely a blip in my day but now he knows it. So instead of a full-on essay, it might be easier to message my friends along the style of a casual conversation instead of a months-long update.

2. Invest some time.
I put thoughtful effort into my long distance relationship with my boyfriend. I make sure it's a priority because I love him a whole bunch. But I also love my friends a whole bunch (just in a different way except for a few lucky gals during my experimental phase (I kid)). I'm also unorganized and scatterbrained. Keeping track of the one boyfriend is pretty easy. Keeping track of the friends I genuinely want to stay in touch with is a bit more challenging when they're not in my day-to-day life (which can be remedied by #1). So, I made a list. I really did. A list of friends in my life who I want to stay in my life. And I told myself I would make sure to send them at least a little something once a week. If I can text the bf like 20 times a day, I can text my long-distance lady loves once a frigging week. And then I find that the more they're at the foreground of my thinking, the more I'm reminded of them, and the more I message them. For example, one of my friends is terrified of snakes...so I send her creepy snake stuff when I see it. You may choose to be kinder to your friends. I apparently thrive off of exploiting their fears (I may have to find a new angle for this friend).

3. Ask questions.

This seems so simple. I think it could actually help with #1 and #2 as well. We've sort of developed into this ego-centric self-absorbed society. When people have whole albums of just their faces smiling/duck-facing at a camera from an upward angle with a minimally varied hairstyle and background, you've got to wonder how often we focus on the other person. With my boyfriend, I make sure I ask questions, and not just to get information about his day but also to show him that I care about what he's saying, that I'm interested in how his day was or how hard his roommate slipped and fell on his face (great story). So why not use the same method with my buddies? Instead of always updating them about yourself, it's so easy to pay attention to their text and ask another question. So when you get one saying "my day sucks dick", instead of answering "oh me too, my coworker is the worst", you could try "Why the dick-sucking day my friend?" (or something more eloquent). Your friends should be getting something out of the friendship...like your ear. AND YOUR HEART.

4. Travel.
So this spider situation, is there a rule that says that the spider has to reel in the flies? I think the spider could probs go to the flies instead of expecting the flies to come to her. While a lot of my best buds end up here for Christmas because their families are here, some of them are from other provinces or countries and I'd be their sole reason for visiting Saint John. I can't continually expect everyone to come see me and not make any effort to visit them. It's just not really fair to sit here and miss them and expect them to walk through my door. This is a lot easier to accomplish, of course, if you're on the privileged side of the tracks, like me.

5. If 1,2,3 &4 fail, move on.
Friendships run their course. It happens pretty organically in person, but sometimes it's hard to read the signs when your friend is away. This is where I have the most difficulty. Say I've made a huge effort, visited them (even if it was just when they were home for a visit), I message them, I make them more of a priority, I ask questions and make sure I know about their lives. But I sit down one day and see that they don't know much about my job, have no idea what province my boyfriend is in, haven't made an effort to see me when they're in town, and continually keep the focus on themselves. Just like in a romantic relationship, there's got to be a balance in effort and dedication. It's sad when you realize that's not the case. I think maybe the healthiest thing you can do is gently let them go, and if they find their way back to you then that's okay. There's nothing that says you can't grow apart and then back together again. But you can't kill yourself trying to make it work. You shouldn't have to put in 90% only to see your friend barely put in the last 10. You deserve better! I deserve better.

My best friend and I. Photos twenty years apart and friendship still strong

We all have those friends who we don't talk to for months or years and then when you get back together it's like no time has passed. Don't ever lose those people. I'm not saying you should drop them. That's silly. I guess what I'm saying is that if a friendship isn't working for you, it's okay to move on. But you should try your very hardest first before you make that call.