Re-Victimization

There's this thing that happens when victims of sexual assault come forward. It's not typically intentionally malicious, but that doesn't make it any less hurtful. It is something that has been termed secondary wounding, or re-victimization.

Re-victimization can be any of the following statements:

• So how much did you have to drink that night?
• Oh, is that what you were wearing?
• You need to put this behind you
• How many times did you say stop?
• Did you say no?
• Well you're lucky you're okay
• It could have been worse
• Are you sure it was sexual assault?
• It's not that bad
• But weren't you dating him?

Sexual assault victims' stories are continually questioned, and the questions can be extremely hurtful. They can come from doctors, nurses, friends, police, family or really anyone who hears about their experience. 

Some of the above statements are minimizing - statements that make the event seem less traumatic or horrific than it actually was. To be clear, every survivor experiences sexual assault in their own way, and their recovery processes are all very different. There is no definitive time line that says that if you were raped, you should be fully healed approximately 1 year after the event; some survivors may take less time, some may take more. In the same way that every person is unique, so is every sexual assault and every road to recovery. It is also important to note that it is not something that the survivor will ever forget. This is not something that they put behind them. This is something that they need to figure out how to live with. It is not like the time you broke your wrist in elementary school; it does not become a part of your past. Survivors carry their sexual assault with them every day.

Some of the these statements are also blaming. It does not matter what the survivor was wearing, how much they had to drink, if they were dating their attacker, etc. Sexual assault is sexual assault. Men aren't mindless animals; they don't lose their minds when they see a short skirt, they don't become rabid dogs when they realize that a woman has been drinking. Let's give men a bit more credit than that. Laying blame on the victim takes the responsibility away from the attacker. Was she really asking for it when she went out on a Saturday night in a party dress with her friends? Absolutely not. 

A teacher used a tactile technique to teach the lasting effects of bullying to her students, and I think that it translates well to sexual assault as well. You take a piece of paper, crumple it up into a tight ball, and then flatten it out. Is it in the same condition as before? Of course not; you can still see all of the lines and crevices left behind, and that piece of paper will never look normal again. Liken those lines to the emotional scars left behind from sexual assault and that's what a survivor feels like inside. Not only that, but no one else is helping them even smooth the paper out; their whole world was crumpled up and they have to figure out how to approximate a normal life again afterwards, knowing they can never go back. 

Here's how to avoid doing this to friends and family who have been sexually assaulted. 
BELIEVE THEM. Don't question the story, don't act like it's not a big deal, don't make their experience seem like anything less than what it was. In the world we live in, if the person you know feels comfortable enough to come forward with their story to you they are already taking a step that so many survivors never take because of fear of judgement. Don't be the person who makes them regret ever telling you about what happened to them. Don't add another scar to that piece of paper. Just be a support. 

Believe them.