Calm Your Tits

Sometimes, when I'm talking about rape culture and sexual assault, people tell me to calm down. My response is pretty standard: no. Why on earth would I calm down? What is "calm" going to do for me? Is it going to get my message out? Is it going to keep me going when I face an obstacle? Is it going to ensure that people understand that blaming the victim is wrong? No. Because when people say "calm down" what they're actually saying is "shut up", or "we've heard enough", or "this subject is too gory, no one should be talking about it". If you don't think people should be talking about it, then why
would it be okay for people to do it?

The facts are that sexual assault is rampant in our society, and that shaming the victims into silence and forming a cycle of abuse through our current culture is the standard. An abused female child is likely to end up an abused woman, and will stand by while her children, in turn are abused. It's all she's ever known. An abused male child is likely to end up as an abuser, to both his partner and children. It's all he's ever known. Often, because of socioeconomic reasons, drugs and alcohol are turned to as it is easier to deal with the atrocities they've faced when it's clouded by self-medication. How can people like this break the cycle when the subject is taboo, when the majority are remaining actively ignorant, when the standard response is "calm down"?

Saint John has been experiencing some horrors. We've had convicted sexual predators released into our community. That may seem scary, and it is, but let me say this again for the record: 84% of the aggressors of sexual assault are people that the victim is friends/family with. It's not the man with the tattoos over his face that is the main concern. Women in Saint John are sleeping beside their abusers, were raised by their abusers, were cornered by their abusers at a party. You see that tattooed man coming for you. What you do not see is the best friend, brother, father, husband. And you're telling me to calm down?

We'll spend years recovering from Donnie Snook. That man targeted children and systematically destroyed their belief that they would be believed, that they were loved, that they held any value. He is a monster and honestly if he died in prison, a part of me would be celebrating. Hell, the majority of me would be. The majority of you probably would be too. But when we read the papers, see the reports, hear the stories, we find that attempts at contacting the police were made as early as 2007. We see that people had suspicions, but thought that they would not be taken seriously. We see a socioeconomic group of people who predators view as prey. And you're telling me to calm down?

In the Telegraph Journal last week there was an article about a 13 year old girl who was convinced by a pedophile to send him some naked photos. He, in turn, sent them to her sister, who reported this to the police. This story has a happy ending, but a very gory middle. It involves sexual assault, sexual harassment, child pornography, coercion and manipulation. But, a happy ending. My question is: how many young girls in our city and surrounding areas have print-screen shots out there? How many of them are sitting at home, praying their parents, friends, teachers, don't see their mistake. Amanda Todd committed suicide after photos circulated of her. Rehtaeh Parsons committed suicide two years after being gang-raped and having photos of the event circulated of her. Audrie Pott committed suicide after being sexually assaulted and photos of her naked and covered in marker circulated of her. This could happen to you, your daughter, your friend. And you're telling me to calm down?

Well, fuck that. I will not calm down. And neither should you.