Poutine Diaries vol.1

On Wednesday I went out with a friend and while we were waiting for someone to get off work we went to Old Navy and did some shopping. Now, I typically shop at Value Village and I'm very hesitant to go into a store with pricetags over $20.00 so I headed straight to the sale rack, my only salvation. Lo and behold, I ended up finding three tank tops and two pairs of pants. It was a good day. Yesterday I spent most of the day in sweatpants and my Game of Thrones sweatshirt (Targaryen of course) but today I was heading into the office and decided I would whip out my new pair of blue and white striped pants (they're subtle, don't worry).

the stripes of my striped pants...

I was about to leave the apartment to walk to work when I happened to notice the foot long orange sticker running down the back of my leg screaming my size. HORROR. Total freakin' horror. And it wasn't the fact that it was a sticker. I'm 23 and I still occasionally wear stickers on my cheeks if they're sassy enough. It was that number, glaring at me, and it wasn't 0 or 2 or 4. If I do ever happen to be those sizes, I probably would wear the size sticker on my clothes, if I decided to wear clothes at all. It's like what Cristina Yang said to Izzie Stevens on Grey's Anatomy, after her underwear ad came out: "You're eight feet tall. Your boobs are perfect, your hair is down to there. If I were you I would just walk around naked all the time. I wouldn't have a job, I wouldn't have any skills. I wouldn't even know how to read. I would just be...naked".

3 hotties, 3 bodies

Izzie promptly replies that it's retouching, that it's not real. But there's no denying she's a stunner. What I always found strange about this scene is that Yang and Meredith Grey (who is there as well) are envious of Izzie when they're both beautiful tall twigs themselves, which begs the question: Do we ever stop envying someone else's assets?

I have goals in my life and I know I'm going to have to work really hard to get there. I want to be a mother, an advocate against sexual violence, a more educated woman. I never sit back and think of someone who has accomplished those things, and wish I could literally be them; I would never swap my brain or my personality out for anyone else's. If I had the chance to snag Mila Kunis' body though, you better believe I'd be on that. Maybe I'd keep my face, because I like my smile, but I'd love to rock a size 2.

I worry that my successes in education, volunteering and the work place are being measured against my physical appearance; that if I were standing beside a size 4 woman who had my exact resume and list of accomplishments, she would somehow be better than me. And if this fictional size 4 woman were standing next to a size 0 well then she'd be second place too. Is this true? I honestly don't know. Are men treated in a similar fashion?

I know that my boyfriend has told me several times about the treatment he receives based on whether or not he's wearing his business suit or his Montreal Canadiens hoodie (but now really, what was he expecting...(GO LEAFS)). He goes from "just one sec man" to "right this way sir". Are women who don't fit the media beauty mold permanently receiving the "just one sec man" attitude? I sure hope not.

I also think that we may have gotten it into our heads that if we just get to that perfect size we'll be happy and I feel reasonably certain that that's bullshit. I have some very tiny friends who are not just walking around naked, unable to read. They're still thinking about how they look and they still have ambitions and concerns for their future. Those tiny twig gals are maybe craving some bigger breasts or a plumper booty; those tall willowy females maybe wish they could lose a few inches...in height. The girls with curves for days maybe want to flatten out some bits. Bottom line is, I'm not sure we can manipulate our bodies into perfection.

Different but beautiful body types

Damn girl!

Someone once said to me that she'd rather be "skinny and sad than happy and fat". Do we put so much pressure on ourselves that we're okay with this idea? We need to allow ourselves to figure out what happiness means to us without size weighing so heavily (ha, get it?) on our minds. It's important to feel good about how you look but I'm guessing that may have more to do with accepting your own beauty and figuring out your ideal size for health purposes rather than trying to look like Mila Kunis (who knows, maybe she's not a fan of her smaller boobs or has daily battles with her hair).

I'm lucky to have a boyfriend who tells me that I'm gorgeous every day (and I think he believes it). I think I'd be even luckier if I could tell myself that. Maybe then I wouldn't feel an unnaturally large sense of relief at ripping that sticker off before anyone got a chance to see (note that I'm still not confident enough to post it in this blog). It's a work in progress friends.