Feminist Bride

Since getting engaged in the summer of 2014, I've been positively humbled by the amount of love that has been expressed for my fiancé and I. From squeals of delight over my ring (it's a great ring) and bridal showers to beautiful messages of happiness and promises to travel from all over the world for the big day. These sentiments have been the definite majority.

A sizeable minority, however, seem to have slipped into some archaic, revolting, baseless stereotypes.

 
 
Here's some crap I've heard:
"How'd you trick him into proposing?"
"So when are you due?"
"Are you going to try to lose weight for the wedding?"
"Better start training to be a wife"

And here are some of the lovely comments my fiancé has gotten:
"There's still time to run!"
"How'd she manage to pull that off?"
"Getting a ball and chain now eh?"
"Your life is over"
"Hope she can cook!"

Some of those were made in jest, and I've been told (just love being "told" how to act) to excuse that kind of behaviour. You know what? Those jokes aren't funny. I have a right to be appalled by those jokes. I have a right to be disgusted by people diminishing the very real, solid commitment my partner and I will be making to one another.

My partner proposed to me. It was beautiful and perfect and wonderful (and all sorts of other lovely adjectives) but it was not forced. He loves me, so he asked me to marry him. Why would anyone ever call that into question? We are equals in this relationship. We both made an intellectual, rational and emotional decision to spend our lives together. You can take those stupid and, frankly, mundane jokes and go to hell.

I deserve better. So do the other brilliant brides you encounter.

Also, he's the cook!

_________________________________________________________________________________

Commonly mistaken for a bridezilla, this is actually a mother-of-the-bride-asaurus

I wrote the above before I got married but never got around to posting it. As I'm sure you can tell I was full of piss and vinegar. I was just raging that while I was about to celebrate a pretty important day, such hateful, ignorant comments were intruding my bubble of happiness.

I'm on the other side of the wedding now, and reflecting back on the words that I wrote, I think I'M A DAMN GENIUS. I stand by it all. I love that fiery, intense part of my soul that bursts out onto the page. I embrace that part of myself because from it I find passion, determination and a backbone made of Valyrian steel (shout out to my fellow GOT fans).

....what?

ps: Winter is Coming

Advice for 15 year old Rachael, from 25 year old Rachael

      

Ten years' difference here
(left = now, right = then)
(hard to tell)

Sometimes people talk about how they “came into their own” in high school or university or grad school or their thirties or twenties or whatever. When people talk about me, it’s more about acknowledging that I’ve been the me that I am since I exited the womb. And it’s mostly true. I have, however, learned a few valuable lessons about life and about myself along the way that I sometimes wish I could tell my teenage me I started keeping a list of some pro-tips for my youthful self. Here they are: 

Advice for my high school self:

1. Acne – that shit is not temporary. I am now 25, still fighting the good fight. So try to find a solution a little earlier in life (Nivea cream works great for you/us).
2. The era of leggings is fast approaching; you only have to put up with jeans for a couple more years.
3. Your blonde hair is gorgeous, do not dye it dark brown. You don’t know this, but when you’re 17 you melt half of it off. Wasn’t a great move.
4. About boys – just keep doing what you’re doing. When you’re older you’ll realize you did everything for you and not them, and you will LOVE that about yourself.
5. Those other girls in your school? Turns out they are not bitches. Turns out girls aren’t all “bitches” the second we disagree with them. So weird.
6. Rachel McAdams was right – “fetch” really doesn’t ever become a thing.
7. Only one friend is ever going to call you Ray, so stop trying to make that happen.
8. Some of your teachers really are idiots, and that’s okay. You know who the good ones are.
9. High school actually DOES matter – don’t believe those people who said it doesn’t. Your current boss went to high school with you.
10. Are you ready for this? It’s going to blow you away: You’re not fat.
11. You are going to start identifying as a feminist very soon, congratulations. This makes you awesome.
12. You are going to meet three best friends in university. They are crazy. They are insane. They are wild. You LOVE them. They love you.
13. You’re engaged (holy shit right? Totally didn’t see this coming).
14. Don’t wait until fourth year university to buy a straightener. Good lord, what were you waiting for?
    
15. Your brothers are still buffoons (so are you).
16. You 100% cannot live without music, without singing. It’s okay boo. You gotta do you.
17. Elope! Just kidding...I think.
18. A lot of people belittle the emotions of teenage girls, but don’t ever diminish your own feelings.
19. That being said, whatever you’re worried about right now, I can promise you it’s going to be okay. We are doing just fine.
20. When people tell you it’s too soon to get a dog, ignore them. Our dog is the best decision we ever made.
21. That guy you’re currently hopelessly in love with? You get over it eventually. He ain’t the one.
22. Mom and Dad knew about all the parties. They are cooler than you give them credit for.
23. No one can take away your education, your professional successes, or your experiences. These are incorruptible, and when you start to tie your confidence to these instead of silly and subjective things like looks and likeability, you find out what genuine confidence really is. Then it, too, becomes incorruptible. 

Now I have to read over this advice, and wonder what my 35 year old self would be telling me right now. What am I stressing unnecessarily about? What insecurities am I toiling over that are 90% fictional? What am I going to carry with me? What’s going to matter in ten years? Are jeans making a comeback? Questions for another day.

Feminist Astrology

A Feminist Astrology 

Aries: You have the ability to move past the stereotypes placed on your gender to become someone unrestrained by expectations.

Taurus: Because there are moons and suns and stars, you exist. Therefore, strive to exist in a world you can actually live with. Can you live with a culture where women are synonymous with the lesser? No? Then change.

Gemini: You are a gem. It's in your name. Shine like one. Don't let the smut of prejudice, sexism, racism, ever tarnish your glow. You have the strength to be the brightness.

Cancer: Don't let yourself be a cancer to society. Stand up when you see something horrible happening. But first, foster the ability to determine what those horrible happenings are. Understand that cat-calling, harassment, unwanted touching, are horrible. First understand, then act for change.

Leo: You are a lion. You are powerful. You have the privilege of being king of the jungle. Understand that this is also a responsibility. Care for the creatures around you with grace and poise.

Virgo: Although you are associated with the Virgin, there is nothing wrong with a person experiencing their sexuality, regardless of gender. The Virgo's key phrase is "I serve". Serve not another person but your own goals. Serve society. 

Libra: When the scales of humanity are equal, when women and men have the same rights and opportunities, when justice is achieved, your work will be done. So get to work. 

Scorpio: Use your strength for the good of our poisoned culture. You are a creature of nature - use that nature to be the force for change.

Sagittarius: You are honest, so be honest with yourself. Are you satisfied with gender inequality? Are you content with the status quo of harassment and shame? Of course not. Be part of the change!

Capricorn: You have grit. You have that immeasurable quality that is part motivation, part determination, part sheer force of will. Harness that quality and aim it at the patriarchal system.

Aquarius: Water is incredible. It forges a path regardless of obstacles. It crumbles mountains and seeps into the earth and smashes through walls. Be water. Persevere. Conquer the obstacle of conforming to a predetermined mold of your gender. Smash through those walls.

Pisces: The salmon battles upstream for hundreds of miles to reach their destination. It is trying, difficult, and exhausting. Such is the battle that the Pisces faces when confronting sexism, hatred and ignorance. The salmon succeeds. So will you.

Top 5 Reasons Why Women Fake Orgasms

I've been pondering something for the past little while. It's been on my mind ever since I had a conversation with a friend of mine who casually mentioned faking an orgasm during sex, and it got me wondering why on earth women do that. So I asked a few more friends, and I ended up finding out that a surprising amount of my friends have done it before, or are still doing it. Faking an orgasm. And not just with one night stands. With long-term boyfriends. With husbands. And yes, with ye olde singular evening bang. From these (disturbing) conversations, I created a list of the top reasons why women pretend to climax instead of waiting for the real deal. Obviously this is a very scientific approach, so please feel free to comment on my wide scope, impeccable research and controlled environment.

Top 5 Reasons Why Women Fake Orgasms

1. To satisfy...his ego.

I actually almost understand this. Until I don't. You're pretending to make him feel better? What feels better than an ORGASM? The answer, my friends, is nothing. When did your climaxing become less important, less vital, less the key to having sex, than ensuring that your man (of the hour, month, year) doesn't feel like less of a man because he couldn't get you there? His feelings should not eclipse your...feelings...if you know what I mean.

2. To get it over with.

You're laying there (or maybe you're not just laying there heh), he's close and you realize it's just not going to happen for you. So you fake it knowing that he's waiting for that cue. He gets his, you don't get yours and the sexventures come to a close. I've got to ask some questions here.

a) Did you want to have sex or were you pressured into it (by guilt, coercion, a feeling of responsibility maybe)?
b) Did you still enjoy the sexy times?
c) Are you lying to yourself? Could you have gotten there if he slowed down a bit and focused on you?

If you answered yes to the first question, that's not exactly behaviour you want to encourage. No one but you should decide when you have sex. If you want it, chances are you'll be more likely to have the big O.
If you answered yes to the second question, then who cares? You can still enjoy a bang without the big finale and letting your partner know that is fine. Maybe he'll be a gentleman (lol) and offer to get you there without his disco stick.
If you answered yes to the third question, then you're denying yourself an orgasm and that is a sin. Hold out! Let him know what you need! Make him work a little! Your orgasm is just as important as his. I can pretty much guarantee he'll get there no matter what, so if you need a few specifics, don't be afraid to ask.

3. Because I faked it once and now he expects me to cum every time.

Ah yes. So you did it once, maybe for reasons #1 or #2, and now he thinks he's a sex god. He's convinced that you can orgasm 5 minutes into sex because he did it once, and then it becomes an expectation. You'd be breaking the habit and shattering his illusions if you stopped one day.
BREAK THIS HABIT. Break it now. You're doing yourself and your fella (or lady) a disservice. Honesty is always the best policy, and this is never truer than when it comes to sex. I don't care how you do it. Ease into it. Tell him. Just stop. Whatever floats your boat. You owe it to yourself! How would you feel if you found out your partner was faking?

4. I want him to think I'm sexual.

Hopefully you having sex is enough proof that you're sexual. Because of, you know, the sex. Sexuality isn't defined by you faking an orgasm! Find some new parameters ladybird. Parameters I could suggest might include: lubrication, extended foreplay, sexcellent communication (see what I did there?), initiating, masturbating, and generally loving your half of the sexual equation. The definition of sexuality doesn't fit in a box (heh). But faking an orgasm isn't about your sexuality, it's about his. Focus on YOU. Get yours!

5. Because society has unconsciously conditioned me to believe that my vagina exists to provide a service for men and not an orgasm for myself.

It's not so! Because science! And by science I do mean the clitoris, which exists for no other reason except to give you the warmest of warm tinglies. No other organ on women OR men can claim that they exist for this sole purpose. Far out dude.

If that organ isn't the biggest "permission to orgasm" button nature has ever seen, than I don't know what is. So...push it.

Push it real good.

The Woman Haters Club

I am over women hating women. It sickens me and I'm tired of questioning what causes that kind of unnecessary, cruel and inexcusable behaviour. The ironic part is that this blog post can probably be interpreted as doing just that, but I'm not going to read too much into that yet because I'm not in the mood to be introspective...

I was on a feminist subreddit a couple weeks ago and there was a post from a woman who said she was a bit overweight, shopping in a makeup store and she could overhear two skinny beautiful women talking shit about her. The poster was looking for some support from her fellow redditors. Now I feel for this girl, I really do. That is honestly a shit situation and I hope no one can imagine a time when that kind of behaviour is appropriate. But here's the kicker. All these women replied to this poster and instead of talking about how beauty is an internal glow or whatever Marilyn Munroe quote typically gets puked out during moments like these, they started freaking out at these other two women. They said these other women are probably married to men who cheat on them. They're probably anorexic. They probably have no souls and will be unhappy forever. They probably sleep with anyone who looks at them. They probably secretly hate each other. They probably hate themselves too.

And on it went.

Are you kidding me?! Do you not see the complete hypocrisy of your statements? You are criticizing these women by doing EXACTLY WHAT THEY WERE DOING. Why don't you take a frigging beat and think about how society has driven women to feel unnecessarily competitive with one another to the point where they'll call out total strangers. Why don't you consider what is happening within yourself, making you feed that monster?


Don't get into the habit of sitting on a pedestal perceiving yourself as the only woman on earth who is allowed to criticize others. "Slut" is not a word to dole out when a woman you know slept with someone. "Bitch" is not an appropriate label for a woman who acts in a way you do not approve of. "Psycho" is not a title you should attach to a woman expressing her emotions. Honestly, and this is not a rhetorical question, what gives you the right? I hate to go bible on your asses, but let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Unless you are a virgin robot, something you have done in your life could make you seem like a slutty psycho bitch yourself so you might want to check yourself before you go and hypocritically wreck yourself.


I saw this photo on Facebook the other day. I also saw it shared and liked by women who coincide posts like these with comments and posts bringing down other women, and i think it's because they feel entitled. They've created a reality where they are untouchable and their moral compass is the only one that points north. This in turn creates a situation where everyone else can be judged because they don't measure up. I just want to shed some light on the fact that they are contradicting themselves every time they post something about "the haters" while simultaneously being hateful.




It's been said again and again, but you don't raise your own status by bringing other women down. There's nothing to be gained from it. If you feel some sort of satisfaction from tearing into someone else take a good hard look at yourself. What is wrong with you? Again, not rhetorical. What is actually wrong? Are you unhappy? Are you jealous? Are you bored? Because that kind of behaviour isn't stemming from the actions of another person. It's coming from you.

Dropping some knowledge

 

And now, I will acknowledge the irony here. It seems like I'm woman-hating. But I'm trying to come from a good place. I'm trying to spark an internal dialogue so that the next time you're about to utter the word "bitch" you take a moment and really consider if that's okay. Don't get me wrong, it's advice I have to give myself often as well. But I do. And all I'm asking is that you do as well.

 

Merry Christmas ya filthy animals

 

Jian Ghomeshi: Rowdy or Rapist?

Here are the facts:








TA DA! THERE ARE NONE.

We have CBC firing one of its most prominent faces and allegations of sexual assault from four anonymous women. We have one man's "poor me" sympathy card facebook status and an outpouring of supportive, questioning, trolling and hateful blog posts and updates and tweets and statuses.

Instead of making some snap decisions, I'm just encouraging people to read what they read with a critical eye. Ask yourself some questions as you read through the various articles and stories written about our c-list celebrity.

Questions like:

1. Why would CBC fire someone for being kinky?
2. Why would four women fabricate a story?
3. What is your understanding of BDSM?
4. Have you read 50 Shades of Grey? (kidding)
5. Do you believe any of this is your business?

I'm not going to try to answer any of those questions for you. I'm not going to come up with reasons to support or refute Ghomeshi or these women. Unfortunately our parents were right when they said there are three sides to a story...in this case: hers, his and the truth. Are we really qualified to assume we know #3?


I do ask that you consider what you say about women fabricating tales of sexual assault. If one in 5 women in North America is sexually assaulted in their lifetime (and this is the most conservative estimate), chances are your words are being heard by a survivor who may be suffering in silence, due to the very ideas you are perpetuating if you suggest that women lie about sexual assault.

(It is statistically just as likely to be falsely reported as any other crime - which is a very low rate. But you never ask someone if a person really broke into their car or if a person really stole their identity)

#SaveTheClinic

This is a plea for my fellow humans (not just New Brunswickers, not just women, not just feminists) to rally either in person or online to #SaveTheClinic and #NBProChoice. 

If you don't know already, the Morgentaler Clinic, currently the only abortion clinic in New Brunswick and one of the only clinics in the Maritimes, is closing its doors for good today.

Some consider this to mean thousands of lives saved. Please understand that the opposite is true. The closing of Morgentaler's doors means closing the door on the future of all the women who need to access its services. It means lives lost. Abortion is a valid and legal choice and it is a human right in this country, and yet women in New Brunswick are now being denied.

Imagine a world where a man is up to his neck in child care payments. He's struggling to get by. He doesn't want more children but he'd like to continue to have sex. Seems fair right? Now imagine that man being unable to attain a vasectomy. Right now in Canada men get vasectomy costs completely covered without issue.

BECAUSE IT'S A PERSONAL CHOICE.

Imagine a world where a man wants to have sex but he's reached the age, or has a condition, where attaining an erection is difficult or impossible. He just wants to enjoy a normal sex life. Seems fair right? Now imagine that man being unable to attain erection-assisting drugs. Right now in Canada the cost of erectile dysfunction medication is completely covered without issue.

I could go on and on.

There was a joke on Saturday Night Live that if men needed abortions clinics would be on every corner. The fact is that men's health is taken very seriously while women's health becomes a political issue.








Look into the face of your daughter,  your best friend, your partner. Look into the face you see in the mirror. If it's not you today, it could be you tomorrow. And tomorrow is too late.

So please, take the time to tweet, share, tell your friends, write your MP, anything, to let "them" know that people care about this issue. That the women of New Brunswick matter. That they deserve to be more than their circumstances dictate.

Open Letter To MP Rodney Weston re: Abortion

"Good day MP Rodney Weston,

I am 24 years old. I can tell you in all sincerity that I have grown a great deal since I was born. Physically, to be sure, but also in every other sense of the word. 24 years is a very long time. I have learned to tie my shoes and get along with my mother and earn two degrees. I have seen the birth of the internet and social media. I have heard news covering Hurricane Sandy and Sandy Hook. I have watched Gretzky retire and Crosby take the NHL by storm. I have learned about compassion and justice and responsibility. I have evolved.

24 years ago 14 women were murdered in what is known now as the Montreal Massacre. I believe that since then, we have made great strides in educating the country on gender equality. We have more and more women graduating university, working in male-dominated vocations and entering politics (though admittedly only one of our ten MPs is female). We have evolved.

24 years ago the Frank McKenna government put in place the regulations we still use today to monitor abortion. In 24 years, that regulation (which conflicts with the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms) has not changed. It has not been altered, redefined or reassessed. It has remained stagnant. It has not evolved.

The definition of stagnant is as follows: a body of water or atmosphere having no current or flow and often having an unpleasant smell as a consequence. I am writing this letter to state unequivocally that Regulation 84-20 of the Medical Services Payment Act stinks. Please do right by your constituents and break the dam that has been holding us in place for a quarter century. We need some fresh air. We need to evolve.

Thank you,

Rachael Grant"

Please join the writing campaign here: SART will SEND and add your voice to the cause. 

Take Back The Night - Song for Rehtaeh and thousands more

Rachael Grant - Take Back The Night

This is the live version of the song I wrote for the countless victims of sexual assault. 

Take Back The Night March 2013, Saint John NB

A Real American Horror Story

Spoiler Alert: This is going to reveal stuff about season 3, episode 1 of American Horror Story: Coven.

This is coming to you live from actively watching the rape scene from American Horror Story. Literally it's still on as I watch this.

Okay, yes, this show is about magic and witches and crazy alien stuff and haunted houses. That stuff is (HOPEFULLY) not real, but the scene that they just showed is about as real as it gets.

Emma Roberts' character goes to a party with a friend. They get separated and she gets roofied. The next scenes are flashes of frat boys moving on top of her paired with sounds of a very distressed and drugged woman. It's honestly gut-wrenching. It's painful to see the boys, faces after faces, hovering over her. Grunting, thrusting, grinning like they're the smartest guys in the world, and the first to think of drugging an unsuspecting girl and gang raping her.

They're not smart. They're disgusting. They deserve the worst kind of punishment. Unfortunately for most women, they're not witches who can flip the bus that the boys escape on and murder the shit out of those rapists. I sometimes wish that were an option. But you know what? A few minutes later in the episode, after Emma's character exacts her revenge, we find her curled up in the shower, trying to hold herself together.

Because the fact is that even with powers and covens and all the other excellent things that come with being a witch, rape is rape. Trauma is trauma. There's no escaping those feelings.



When the scene first popped on, I was horrified that they were showing it. And then I realized what a favour they were doing for those of us who know that that stuff goes on every day. That scene? It's a reality. It happens every weekend. People need to see it. They need to see it happening to an American sweetheart. Kudos to you FX.

You actually showed a true American Horror Story.