Because of my line of work and the direction I've chosen to steer my career, I end up discussing sexual assault and rape culture with people who do not necessarily agree with my viewpoint. I struggle with maintaining my composure and with calmly stating my opinion. I continually remind myself that their biases against victims and their reluctance to blame perpetrators could come from anywhere. They could be victims themselves, coping by convincing themselves that they deserved it. They could be of a different generation, where ignorance was acceptable (as opposed to now?). They could be on a high horse because since they've avoided sexual assault, any woman should be able to. There are many reasons behind the vitriol dripping from these people' mouths. I do my best to ensure that my message is heard, and I've learned that pushing or forcing the issue appears to literally harden one's eardrum, and so I am gentle (against all natural inclinations).
I have heard so many disheartening statements, but a few readily spring to mind when I look over especially the past year of my life. I wanted to share some with you and hopefully to shed light on why these statements are fundamentally hurtful and ultimately wrong.
(DISCLAIMER: I use "she" for survivors and "he" for perpetrators for ease of discussion. I am aware that every possible pairing occurs with sexual assault.)
1. "If you're going to have drinks with a group of guys, what do you expect would happen? You've basically inviting sexual assault."
If this were the case, I would owe the boys I went to high school with a huge thank you for not raping me on spyglass hill or in the infamous Love Shack (a semi-rotting chicken coop behind my old house). But I think that they would be repulsed by the idea of hurting me. They were my friends and they respected me. We had great times together and I never felt endangered simply by possessing the sole vagina in the group.
2. "Rapists are psychotic." "Rapists are perverts." "Rapists deserve to die."
I understand the inclination to believe these statements, or statements similar to these. Unfortunately rapists are not slogging out of sewers at night with red glowing eyes and snatching up our women and children. They are your brothers, who were goaded into "banging the hottie" who passed out. They are your sons, who were never taught that their "body's nobody's body but mine". They are your uncles and fathers and cousins who were themselves abused as children and never received help. It's a cop-out to imagine monsters, when in fact the culprit is men. I would take it one step further and say that the culprit is culture. If you need to make generalizing statements, make these: "Our culture is psychotic." "Our culture is perverted." "Our culture deserves to die." We need to forge a new culture where systematic, blatant and subtle sexism are as repulsive as cannibalism (Yes, I know some cultures still practice this, but I think we can agree consuming human flesh is generally a pretty looked-down-upon practice).
3. "Women shouldn't be walking home alone at night."
The fact is that since statistically you are far more likely to be sexually assaulted by someone you know, accepting "protection" during your walk home is far more likely to result in assault than walking alone. I will reiterate a statement made in a previous post where I said that I am not recommending you walk home alone. In fact, I will not recommend any safety tips as I believe women have the right to choose the way they want to live, and asking someone to adhere to rules is a subtle way of inflicting guilt if they are assaulted whilst breaking one.
4. "There are so many grey areas though."
In telling the story of a sexual assault, it can indeed sound grey. The details surrounding the event can create a rather compelling tale which our society has labelled "He said, she said". When we dig into the finer points, we can indeed feel like we're swimming in grey-ness. We get bogged down. But pull back for a moment. If you've ever had sex or a sexual experience before, can you not remember trying to sense the feelings of your partner? Can you not remember them trying to figure out if you're enjoying it, or if they're doing everything right? You know. You know what I'm talking about. With these "he said, she said" stories, that gets lost. You end up with two parallel stories documenting the same event but with drastically different language. She says "he hurt me" while he says "she likes it rough". She says "I tried to get away" and he says "she was playing hard to get". She says "I was too scared to say no" and he says "well she never said no". There is a difference between rough sex and rape. There is a difference between attempted teasing and attempted escape. There is a difference between a lack of refusal and enthusiastic consent. The courts may not be able to figure it out, the police may not be able to find the evidence necessary. But that rapist? He knows. He either knows something was off, or he consciously chose to ignore all the signs. But he knows.
5. "What was she wearing?" "How much did she drink?"
Can you, in all honesty, tell me that this matters? I stated previously that when someone tried to break into my apartment, no one asked me either of these questions. I also want to provide a link to this incredible
Buzzfeed Article that deals with the idea that all of the victims were strutting about in stilettos and little black dresses. And if they did happen to be wearing that, they were not asking for rape. Perhaps they were asking for a one night stand or a romp with a friend-with-benefits or some hot bar washroom sex with their partner. These are some things that women ask for.
WE DO NOT ASK FOR RAPE.
Please pay special attention to the tweets in the article stating that they were in their flower pajamas being tucked into bed at age 6. Does it matter what that little girl was wearing?
Some of these statements are not said with malicious intent. That does not make them less harmful. Telling a victim that she was raped in a "grey area" will not make it easier. Asking a victim what she was wearing will not make her any more consenting. Implying guilt because of her actions will not ease her recovery. Ignoring the truth about rapists will not make them go away.
Educate yourself or breed ignorance - those are your only options.
I do ask that you consider what you say about women fabricating tales of sexual assault. If one in 5 women in North America is sexually assaulted in their lifetime (and this is the most conservative estimate), chances are your words are being heard by a survivor who may be suffering in silence, due to the very ideas you are perpetuating if you suggest that women lie about sexual assault. 
